Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

Satire: What shenanigans were UMass animals up to during break?

The unexpected antics of the renowned geese, falcons and bear
Gabrielle Phat / Daily Collegian.

Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.


The first weekend of the spring semester brought lots of excitement to the University of Massachusetts. Students greeted their friends with hugs and warm welcomes, and Chancellor Subbaswamy and the UMass staff were delighted to have a lively campus once again.

Other on-campus residents were even more ecstatic to see everyone. The geese, falcons, cockroaches and bear did not get to leave campus and have an exciting break. These campus creatures were left isolated and incredibly bored. While students were resting at home, what have the campus animals been up to?

Regarding the campus pond geese

Every goose has their hobbies, whether it be searching for seeds in the grass, ducking into the water to search for food, or simply basking in the winter sun. Grandma Goose typically plops herself on the dainty benches next to the pond and knits lovely scarves and hats.

Most geese make use of these lonely weeks and embrace the desolation of campus.

Once the freezing temperatures hit, however, their day-to-day life becomes more exciting.

When the pond freezes over, the geese gather to watch the Wicked Waterfowl – their beloved ice-skating team – as crack out their webbed-foot ice skates and begin the fun. Wearing lovely knitwear from Grandma Goose, they mastered their twists and turns, some even attempting a triple axel.

Standing on one foot, they swirled their body around the ice, which was impressive, considering geese have very skinny, weak legs. Geese from all over Massachusetts joined in, and they put on a beautiful performance. Their secret ice-skating troupe makes one wonder what they do during the summer — perhaps swimming and diving?

What were those falcons up to?

Sitting at the very top of the W.E.B Du Bois Library is the infamous falcon and her chicks. They love to gallivant across the tops of buildings but always return back to their nest. Over the break, there was footage recorded on the Falcon Cam that seemed a bit out of the ordinary.

The recording showed the falcon and her babies pocketing books from the library. Mother Falcon was reading these novels to her babies — it was their own little book club!

Some of their favorite titles included Shakespeare’s “Antony and Cleopatra,” Tolstoy’s “War and Peace” and Dante’s “Inferno.” They have advanced taste!

The bear was up to no good

Occasionally spotted in Southwest Residential Area, the renowned bear decided to cause even more mischief when students weren’t around. He was able to meander around campus easily, as there were fewer people to scream and run away from him.

There were a few students, however, who stayed on campus for break housing. One being a girl with golden curly hair, who ended up in a brawl with the bear, while resisting becoming the new Goldilocks.

After being tranquilized by campus security, the bear decided to use this relaxing time for hibernation. He cozied up in a vacant room in Emerson Hall and made friends with some cockroaches; they even started their own poker league.

Unfortunately, he got hungry and decided to raid Harvest Market. He ended up re-creating the convenience store scene from “Open Season” and was eventually exiled from campus.


Julia Bragg can be reached at [email protected].

Leave a Comment
More to Discover

Comments (0)

All Massachusetts Daily Collegian Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *