Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

Morning Wood: UMass students conduct massive bank run after tuition hikes

University Valley Bank on track to fail after 97 percent of students drop out
Pictures of Money/Flickr (2014)

Students at the University of Massachusetts have collectively dropped out of school after reports of massive tuition rate hikes courtesy of University Valley Bank, the conglomerate that oversees deposits of tuition payments from students.

Perhaps due to the volatile economic climate and interest rate hikes to combat inflation, UVB and their CEO, Hardwick Bumbleguppy III, decided to raise the price of tuition by an unprecedented 100 percent from their current levels. This would result in in-state students paying $34,728 for tuition and out-of-state attendees paying a whopping $78,600 a year. These totals do not include room and board.

Upon hearing the announcement of these numbers, UMass students quickly mobilized, withdrawing their enrollment from the University in perhaps the largest mass withdrawal of students from an education institution in American history. In withdrawing, these students removed their current tuition payments from the banking system, leading UVB to collapse due to their inability to pay loans.

So many students attempted to withdraw at once that the Dean of Students Office website completely crashed, leading students to withdraw in person at their office in Whitmore. The line reportedly stretched all the way to Worcester Dining Commons.

It is estimated that out of 23,146 undergraduate students at the university, 22,452 of them dropped out over the past two days — a 97 percent withdrawal rate. The last 694 students all resided in Orchard Hill Residential Area and did not withdraw simply because they couldn’t hear all the commotion from on top of the hill.

The parallels are undeniable to the recent collapse of Silicon Valley Bank in California after it failed to ensure that depositors could be confident in the bank holding their money amidst interest rate hikes and inflation, causing a bank run. It must be noted that SVB also had branches in Massachusetts, and rumors are circulating that UVB is secretly an offshoot of the failed institution.

When reached for comment about these rumors and the massive fallout of their tuition hike, Mr. Bumbleguppy III replied, “There was a problem generating a response. Please try again in a few moments.” Puzzled, journalists at the Massachusetts Daily Collegian investigated Bumbleguppy III’s origins and discovered he was actually an artificial intelligence robot created to cover for the real culprit behind the tuition hike: incoming Chancellor Buster Cherry.

“Fine. It was me all along,” Cherry, out of breath, admitted after being spotted by reporters at the Franklin Dining Commons ice cream station and, upon noticing them, ran around the square-shaped dining hall for 37 minutes to evade their questioning. He continued between wheezes, saying, “You can’t blame me for trying to raise money! With this influx of cash, we had plans to add seventeen additional floors to each Southwest tower; it would’ve been—”; Cherry was cut off by the tackle of a police officer, who placed him under arrest for the unapproved tuition hike, as well as tax fraud, money laundering and tax evasion.

Cherry avoided jail time — and was even able to retain his chancellorship — by having UVB bailed out by President B. F. W. J. Womplinson and the federal government. Cherry promised to repeal the tuition hikes; even further, he committed to a tuition decrease of 50 percent, which has led to UMass students flocking back to the university in droves and his approval rating skyrocketing.

This whole ordeal has shown the power of the UMass student body in swaying the opinions of higher-ups and initiating crippling bank failures. We can only hope that the administration will learn their lesson and never, ever try to raise tuition to an unreasonable amount again. Right?

Eyezen Brough can be reached at Mullins Center during a UMass Hockey intermission, discussing with The Slice how they can get their save percentage up.

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