On March 13, the University of Massachusetts Amherst sent an email to the community expressing its concerns with parking on campus, proposing a new solution. Due to the high volume of complaints from students, UMass administrators have decided to give up their parking spots.

According to a UMass factbook sheet, there have been a total of 1,001 complaints about not being able to park, due to a range of subjects such as “enrolling too many idiots in this hell hole” and “building academic buildings at a party institution.”

“Us in admin decided it was our time and responsibility to give back to the students and allow them to park on this beautiful campus we call home,” Neil Anblomi, UMass spokesperson, said. “We will be installing a helicopter pad on top of Lederle Graduate Research Tower for ourselves tomorrow.”

According to the email, students are advised to avoid parking in front of Lederle for the time being, as construction continues and to dodge the helicopters if they come their way.

“With budget cuts in federal fundings, we just cannot deal with any legal issues right now, so if students could avoid trying to be hit by any helicopters, we would greatly appreciate it,” Anblomi said.

Construction of the helipad is scheduled to end the day after tomorrow, and afterwards, an individual helicopter will be purchased for every UMass administrator. The funds sourcing this endeavor have been tracked to be from the same pool of money as Spring Blast, and with some hacking, have been pinpointed to be in a secured account with Switzerland.

“We decided that it was our turn to have some fun with that unknown pool of money too,” Buster Cherry, UMass chancellor, said. “In regard to the increase in student parking though … what can I say, we just goated like that.”

This is an ongoing story, more information to come perhaps in future years, maybe after a lawsuit, we are not sure yet.

Does it even matter can be reached by searching for the college student that cares the least and asking why they are still here.