Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.

Dear Sam,

My name is Sally Suzy, and the love of my life told me that we can’t be exclusive. He felt that it would be a bad look for his frat to show up with the same women every date night due to a lack of versatility. He said that a new girl would keep his brothers constantly meeting new people. I begged him stay with me, but I also understand. I texted him at approximately 12:00 a.m. but the lack of response at 12:01 a.m. left me knowing that we won’t end up married. Please help me; I need all the advice I can get.

DEAR PATHETIC GIRL: This is a tough situation for him. I don’t know you, but you seem like a very boring girl, so you must understand his struggle having to show up everywhere with you. I would recommend buying several bras of different cup sizes, that way you look like a different girl every time you show up to his frat.

Dear Sam,  

My name is Professor Smith, and as much as I love my students, they seem to always give me the worst ratings on Rate My Professor. Despite being a slave to them — and fixing every issue they tell me — they still give me one star. They say I have no knowledge of any of the content I am teaching, but how is that my fault? Are you supposed to have a degree in nursing to teach it? My communications degree seemed good enough. I just don’t know what I can do to make the students like me more. Should I change my whole personality?

DEAR PROFESSOR: I think complete change is in order, but do us all a favor and start with your looks before your personality.

Dear Sam,  

My advisor is a little bitch and told me that I can’t graduate, because apparently, I need a one-credit course on how to not fail in college. I have already finished college, like what do you mean I need to take a course on how not to fail it? Are you dumb? Also, no one even told me this was a requirement until now, so is this a new one that they made up to keep me here? I literally have my whole family flying out in a month to see me walk, and you’re telling me I have this singular course that is only offered in 2030. Someone tell me that this isn’t just me; I need to know that I am not alone in this bitch ass university.

DEAR CONFUSED: You sound like the whiny little bitch. Man up and take the course.

Dear Sam,

My name is unimportant. I have reason to believe that Chancellor Craven Moorehead is after me. I’ve suspected this for a while, but I’ve been too afraid to say anything because of the power he holds. But I’m done living in fear. The campus geese have started to follow me around campus, listening to every word I say. I believe this is Moorehead’s doing. I have unlocked deep campus secrets that he is not ready to share, like what is really happening on the third floor of Worcester Dining Commons. He doesn’t want you to know the truth, and he’s punishing me for knowing. I’ve started to see him in my dreams at night. I think he is following me there. I am finally ready to speak my truth, I just hope everyone is willing to listen. Please help me Sam. I’m not safe here. If I don’t finish this, please just be aware thataefjoppppppppppp

DEAR INSANE: You should really look into some mental health counseling. I personally talked to the geese, and they told me you were crazy.

Dear Sam, 

My name is Al A. Lone. I am a junior CompSci major at UMass, and I can’t seem to figure out why I don’t have a girlfriend. I’m doing everything right: I shower once a week, wash my hair once every other week — unless it rains of course — and I wear the same khakis every day so girls will recognize me. Every time I see a girl at a party, I ask her questions about herself and her interests, then I tell her everything she could possibly want to know about those interests (since her knowledge is not as good as mine). Any time a girl opens up to me and tells me her problems, I solve them immediately for her; I’ve noticed most girls are dumb and don’t know how to do this for themselves. I’m doing everything right, I just don’t understand why these girls keep making the wrong decisions. I guess nice guys really do finish last. Please help me Sam.

DEAR MY ICON: I am also equally confused on how you don’t get girls. It seems to me that everything you are doing is right. Maybe you are overestimating how smart they are. Otherwise, they would recognize how badly they need a deserving man like you in their lives. I am in a similar situation, but I decided not to let them talk about themselves and only talk about me instead. Now, I get every girl I want. Maybe we can continue to talk about this over a beer and a round of pool. However, if one of these other losers told you I said this, I didn’t.

Dear Sam,

My name is Neil Anblomi, and I am the University of Massachusetts Amherst spokesperson. I take my job as a spokesperson very seriously and am always doing my best to project the best possible image of our wonderful university. This job, however, has remained difficult for me due to the immaturity of several students on campus, who seem to think it is appropriate to make jokes about my name. While in my last name the “An” is emphasized, some think it is funny to put the emphasis on “blo,” which is not where it belongs. Some students even think it is funny to take a knee directly in front of me when I am giving my speeches, or yell things like, “At least buy me dinner first,” which I find abhorrent. This is not the reflection of our campus I want going out into the world. I know you will help me fix this Sam, for the good of our prestigious university!

DEAR USELESS ADMINISTRATOR: Well, first, you sound like the most fun killer of a person to ever exist. Second, get a life. Third, change your name to something more fun so I can hop on this bandwagon and make fun of you too. Have you ever tried, I don’t know, maybe being less boring? You work as a college administrator, so let’s relive our college years and loosen up.

Sam cannot be found in person, so don’t try. He remains an unseen, omnipresent entity.