Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.
The Rate My Professors website recently announced a new offshoot website, “Rate My Students,” which is set to launch at the beginning of the 2025-2026 academic year. The goal of the website according to its mission statement is to “further divide students from their professors” and to “solidify a hierarchical order that has been in place since the dawn of man.”
This new website comes at a time of high tension between students and faculty at the University of Massachusetts Amherst; many professors are sick and tired of the low reviews they get on Rate My Professors.
“These whiny little b***es have the audacity to rate my performance but there’s no way for me to throw it back at them,” Jocelyn Cocques, women, gender and sexuality studies professor, said. “That hardly seems fair.”
Rate My Students will give professors the opportunity to speak their truth freely: “We can finally say all the things that cross our minds, but we’re not allowed to because ‘it’s too mean’ or ‘it’s unprofessional to make students cry,’” Cocques said.
Collegian Morning Wood correspondents sat down with Dick Hardigan, a chemical engineering professor at UMass, who holds the record of lowest Rate My Professors score at 0.03 across 1,057 ratings.
Some of Hardigan’s reviews include “He made me drop the course, drop the major and drop out of UMass,” “i wanted to die but i was scared if i did i’d see him in hell,” “he cyberbullies his students” and “his name makes me uncomfortable.” Despite these negative comments, Hardigan says the frustration goes both ways.
“Do you know how many terrible students I’ve had to put up with?” Hardigan said. “There’s this one kid with the screechiest voice who won’t shut up during class. It’s like okay we get it, you’re smart, but you don’t have to be a nerd about it.”
Initial test runs of the website are already garnering high praise from professors. Top reviews of students thus far include “i forgot who this was, but he probably sucked,” “horrible student– great weed tho” and “Ugly.”
UMass Student Government Association Head of Head Ben Dover has already emerged as a frontrunner for lowest reviews among UMass students in the site’s testing state. Dover’s average rating from 57 professors is 0.7, with reviews including “If there’s one thing this kid always has, it’s the audacity” and “I’ve never had this kid, but every time I see him I wanna punch him in the face. I have no reason for this, I just wanna see him fall to the ground.”
Rate My Students is already proving to be a major success among those in academia. It is clear this website will transform the future of higher education for the better.
“Students and professors no longer respect one another, which is exactly the way it should be,” Coques said.
Hugh Jaz probably can’t be found at his office hours.
