Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.

Recently, I went out to Tobin Hall to take part in one of my favorite past times at the University of Massachusetts Amherst: stargazing, of course! But as I gazed over to the beautiful towers of the Southwest Residential Area, I felt something was off. It wasn’t the new “No Smoking” signs that seemed to have suddenly appeared on the pillars of Tobin ­­­­— though that upset me for reasons I cannot explain — nor the god-awful sewage smell that wafted from the Commonwealth Honors College. It was the lack of LED lights lining the rooms of the Southwest.

When I first arrived at UMass Amherst, I was stunned by the beautiful lighting of Southwest. All my family members that had previously attended UMass told me not to live there because it was “hell,” but the colorful lights clearly indicated otherwise. If anything, it made me feel safer; with so many colors, Southwest had to be inclusive (ally!).

The residents also seemed to have good taste with Kim Jong Un “live, laugh, love” tapestries and a giant cutout of the present Chancellor’s head raised proudly for all incoming Berk diners to see. Even inside, their decorations were unique but purposeful. I remember seeing condoms of all colors taped to the residents’ doors. Not to mention they seem invested in making sure other students decorate their dorms. I’ll never forget the day one dedicated individual threw down dorm décor from Coolidge. Without her, I wouldn’t have my cute laundry basket.

Now, Southwest appears to be succumbing to its brutalist nature. With a lack of LED light users, the buildings are just as uninviting as my uncle had said. No longer do bold pops of red light mix with electric greens and warm golds. Southwest inhabitants are resolute in their choice of cool colors, or more predominantly, the disgusting fluorescent lights that come with the room.

A few individuals remain dedicated to interior design — namely, the guy animating those lights in the MacKimmie window and any person who still owns a poorly printed Amazon tapestry. However, the overwhelming turn away from LED lights has led me to ask local Southwest residents why they don’t have a soul anymore.

“I didn’t notice anything. I don’t have time to look up every day.” May Jorloser pointed out. “Bro, why are you even so pressed about this. You don’t even live here.”

While I had many similar, unhelpful responses, I feel there is an obvious answer: we have become too used to white and fluorescent lighting. They light the school buildings, the dorms, and now even the cars. These days, you’ll be lucky to drive at night without someone blinding you at a stop light because they had to be lit by the full strength of a main sequence star. We are becoming desensitized to this ugly lighting, so much so that we are abandoning the colorful LEDs that once consumed the nation but a few years ago.

If I could give any advice to Southwest students, it would be to return to the LED strip lights (I know you won’t listen if I ask you to stop destroying the bathrooms). Not only are they a classic, but the colorful lights inspire students across campus and diminish the terrible architecture we are subjected to everyday.

It breaks my heart to see such personality drained from the high rises, and I worry the spirit of Southwest suffers as a whole because of it. So, get some colorful lights, pin up a tapestry, and line the window with some of your best handles. And for the rest of campus: take notes!

F. Reefer can be reached under the “Weed Tree” near Central, or through smoke signals.