Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical and is meant for humorous purposes only. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.

Dear readers, it seems we are beset by a plague. A plague of “opinions,” and the loathsome fools that offer them. Being the highly stable genius that I am, I have recently noticed a string of columns, in the many newspapers and magazines I read (because I am an intellectual, as must be only so apparent), with opinions different from mine! What an affront! How dare these publications deign to publish something I personally disagree with? It truly boggles my mind, I mean, does not everyone know that I am the sole arbiter of truth? The very locus and paradigm of absolute truth resides within my being, from whence it may never leave until I have breathed my last!

And yet, these so-called publications have decided to offend my sophisticated and refined sensitivities with obscene opinions such as: U.S. sometimes good, not everything oppression and, worst of all, political violence bad! How dare they! I will not stand for this. Everyone knows these are complete falsehoods peddled by the establishment for nefarious purposes. I know this because of the in-depth research I have conducted on every major issue of our times, through a variety of complex sources; Reddit, HasanAbi and even YouTube video essayists.

No, this must be a ploy by the powers that be to suppress my tremendous intellect. They are afraid of a college student with such mental prowess. Why, you can see so clearly my intellectual superiority in the fact that everyone in my generation agrees with me! Is it not the ultimate testament to my correctness that everyone else in my generation has the exact same thoughts, and focuses on the exact same issues? In fact, they all even began to adopt these points of view and focus on these issues at the same time that I did!

What more could you possibly ask for?

And don’t you try to redirect this argument by saying some version of the following: “Oh but Avg. Opinion Enjoyer, not every column published in a newspaper is an endorsement of that viewpoint. Newspapers publish a broad range of viewpoints, to expose their readers to a large set of relevant opinions, many of which they may even disagree with.”

Lies! Damned lies! I won’t fall for this establishment propaganda! I’m too smart for this, just like my Montessori school teachers and my parents always said (they’re at their home in the Hamptons right now. Hi Mom, hi Dad!). A newspaper should not publish opinions outside the range of views I personally find acceptable. If they do so, they are evil and complicit; my favorite political commentator told me so!

Why? Well, uh, it’s, uh, because of structural constructs, yes! No, I’m not going to elaborate, it’s not my responsibility to educate you, sorry.

Regardless, we need to fight back. The establishment is only growing its political cache, and at this point only severe and radical action can save us. I know what I must do. This is the way.

5 minutes later

There, all done. Now that I’ve posted that infographic about the establishment being bad, I feel I’ve done my part. You should try it, reader; having the moral ground through posting infographics is an unmatched pleasure.

What’s that? What do you mean that’s all? YOU WHAT? You want us to organize protests? Like last spring you mean? Yeah, I mean, I see that, uh – wait I’m getting a call.

Oh there’s a party at Brian’s? And we’re pregaming at yours? Ok, I’ll be there soon.

Sorry dear reader I gotta go right now. Where? Oh, uh, it doesn’t matter, uh, I’ll finish writing this column later. Bye!

Avg. Opinion Enjoyer can be found at Brian’s party.