Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.
The University of Massachusetts Amherst Student Government Association recently announced that UMass will put contraceptive vending machines in the Campus Center.
It makes me feel a lot better knowing that UMass is using protection, considering how many of its students it’s f***ing.
The only thing worse than being told you have nowhere to live is being told you have nowhere to live while contracting an STD from the housing office.
Transpherstu Dent, a sophomore, had her housing appointment before the new contraceptive vending machine. “I was perfectly healthy before I tried to get housing. Now I have syphilis and crabs. It’s a nightmare,” she said.
“I honestly don’t see why they spent money on the vending machine. It would be cheaper to just stop f***ing their students, wouldn’t it?” Dent added.
“I’d be happier if they at least bought me dinner first,” said sophomore Rose Thoi, another victim of the housing office’s STDs.
But they don’t buy you dinner first. It’s the exact opposite, in fact. Residential meal plans cost from around $7,000 to $8,000 a year just to eat their food, which isn’t even that good.
Unless you plan on eating microwaved snacks all year, the only way to drop your meal plan is to have a kitchen. The only way to have a kitchen is to live in North Apartments or somewhere off campus. And the only way to get one of those is by jumping through shrinking fiery hoops that have spikes on the inside.
Ugal Leigh, an employee at ResLife, spoke out against the vending machine. “It has brought my numbers way down. I used to f*ck around 120 people a day, but now I have to run to the vending machine and purchase a condom every time I tell someone they’re out of luck for housing. I’m down to about 85 per day now.”
“We try to be as efficient as possible at ResLife and this has really slowed down how fast we can shatter people’s hopes of having a bedroom next year.”
He also confessed an enjoyment in spreading nasty STDs. “One of my biggest joys at my job is telling students we have more housing requests than housing and when I can’t give them an STD along with that information, it really takes out a lot of the fun.”
Thoi is outraged that the school is getting contraceptive machines without providing any health care for those who have been infected. “It’s obvious how little they care about the people they’ve screwed over. This contraceptive vending machine is all for show, and they know it. It’s not doing anything to help those of us struggling with the incurable STDs they gave us.”
Gianna Rhea can be reached at her tent she’ll be pitching on-campus next year.
