In recent years, there has been a movement to make college campuses more accessible. I’m speaking specifically about gender-neutral restrooms. I used to believe in this notion, at least until the University of Massachusetts Amherst began going against its own contributions to the issue. Due to a multitude of unsavory personal attacks, UMass Amherst should abolish the gender-neutral restroom.

These attacks first began on my way out of the Student Union Craft Center. I was welding two metal swords together to create a longer metal sword. This took seven hours, and when I was done, I had a desperate urge to use the restroom. Thankfully, there was a gender-neutral toilet across the hall still available, which I began to use.

Instantly, I started getting looks of disgust and anger from the other students in the Student Union. One of them called me foul, another called me insane. Yet no one cared to stop me. I did my business, and as I was zipping up my capris, a school faculty member approached me. They said that the gender-neutral toilets, or as they called them, “garbage cans,” were for trash only, and recycling when marked as such.

First of all, any time I have a piece of recycling, I just throw it out. It all goes to the same place anyways. I told this to the faculty, and they responded by asking me to leave the building, but not without throwing in a jab about my new haircut. I happen to have a very good relationship with Cecilia at Great Clips.

I left, and on my way back to my dorm, I took a dump at the Metawampe Lawn open-air restroom. It would have gone unnoticed had I not been carrying a 10-foot sword. Alas, the chorus emerged once again to scold me for my behavior. This time, I was accosted by a gang of Isenbros who said my squat was womanly. I told them that the lawn was a place where students can unload without pressure from the gender binary. And so what? I happen to enjoy the breeze it provides.

After that day, I stopped using the gender-neutral restrooms. That was until I discovered the Berkshire Permaculture Garden. Its sleek and terraced design looked more comfortable than the bushes outside Bartlett, and its secluded location meant, hopefully, fewer passersby. I waited for around 10 minutes for a swarm of wasps to disperse and dropped my pants. Like clockwork, a grad student emerged from the parking lot threatening to call UMPD. I directed my stream towards them, and they started running. Coincidentally, this gave the kale an additional sprinkling, which they seemed to respond positively to. Even from a young age, I always had a certain touch with plants.

Unfortunately, many of these accessible spaces lack the maintenance required to be welcoming to the student body. Often times, I will return to my favorite gender-neutral restroom—the Orchard Hill Observatory. There is nothing better than relieving yourself while overlooking the stunning vistas of the Pioneer Valley. Recently, I returned to this restroom for some casual birdwatching and noticed piles of waste that had not yet been cleaned up by custodial services. This ruined my experience entirely.

UMass Amherst likes to boast their commitment to sustainability, but these restrooms are a perfectly sustainable system, decreasing water usage, wasting fewer single-use toiletries and promoting gender inclusivity across campus. In the case of the Permaculture Garden restrooms, usage helps organically fertilize the crops that are used by UMass Dining. So, how come when I — a very sustainable student — use one of these restroom sites, it is suddenly “against campus policy?” Make it make sense.

My question is this: why would UMass promote the construction and maintenance of these restroom sites intended for all students to use, yet shut students down when they use them? I am all for inclusiveness, and it is my preference to use a restroom that’s free of gender bias. However, if this level of reprimand is all I get, then we should band together and urge UMass to close down these restrooms.

IP. Freely is no longer allowed on campus. He can be reached via Sharpie messages on the back of the men’s restroom stall door at the Hampshire Mall Cinemark.