You had to know that another tie was coming, but this one is unbelievable.
We here at the Collegian do these NFL Picks every week and this week was different from all others. You see I started the week off 0-8 and in the cellar with almost no chance of catching Sam and Adam for first.
But then something strange happened; Sam and I had picked the last seven games completely opposite of each other. The last seven games went my way, and when I won the tiebreaker on Monday Night, I had the chance to write this article again.
But then I looked at the records and saw that I won the week with a 7-8 record and did feel as if I deserve to write this column. So I am done, and I am allowing somebody else to write the trash from this point. Yo Catherine, do you want to finish off this article.
David Rose
Well here I am, I haven’t written anything for sports in about a year, but I think that I’m well qualified to write the Trash Talk this week for one simple reason: I don’t know anything about football, and obviously, none of these other freaks do either.
First of all, I do have to say, that anyone who picked against Minnesota should be run over by a truck. Minnesota has the best record in their conference, not to mention the entire NFL. The Vikings should win the Super Bowl. Period.
If I had a dollar for every time Sam picked a losing team, I’d go out and buy myself a McLahrin F1. They’re imported and can only seat one person. They can go like 250 miles per hour. The luxury tax on one of these things coming into the US is like $100,000. That’s how much I distrust Sam’s football picks. For all the yelling and boasting and hot air that he is constantly blowing out his fat head, Sam doesn’t say much. I think he hides his insecurity about his football knowledge by arguing with Smitty. Did you really think that Indianapolis would beat the Jets? Guess what, you can talk and talk and talk Sam, but you’re not saying anything, and you’re definitely sucking at football. P.S. stop hitting on my roommate.
As for Smitty, quit your whining. Seriously. If I had a dollar for every time you whined I’d buy two McLahrin F1’s. I know you want whatever’s best for the paper, but don’t you think that someone who is in charge of the Sport’s page should have some semblance of an idea about the sports they’re covering? Why did you pick Cleveland? They’ve been outscored by over 100 points over the last three weeks! What are you still doing here? Weren’t you supposed to have graduated like a year and a half ago? Maybe if you actually went to class and passed, you’d be able to get out of UMass, get a job, and get some real knowledge about who’s going to beat the spread. P.S. stop hitting on me. You’re friends with my boyfriend, for Christ’s sake!
Adam Martignetti, you sad, sad man. What do you think you’re doing? You belong at the News Desk, not the Sports Department! Who do you think you’re kidding? Maybe you can cover the SGA, but you can’t cover the spread. Dallas? Hello! Tampa Bay actually has some players; Dallas has….nothing. Maybe if you actually left the Campus Center basement you’d have a life. Get someone else to do layout one night and go out into the real world, where there are live trees, live animals, and live women (as opposed to the fake one’s you’re looking at on the internet). How about you stop worrying about who’s covering the presidential election and start concerning yourself with the real story: your lame-ass attempt to pick teams. By the way, Katie Holmes is ugly and she can’t act her way out of a wet paper bag.
Adam White: up by eight games in week five. And now sitting dead last. Kudos for picking Minnesota, but that can’t save you from the fire. You’re burning bridges, buddy. You promised to buy me dinner like three months ago. I offered to drive you to New York City to pick up your bike. I picked up Eric and Matt at the last minute from Hartford as a favor to you. And what favors have you done for me lately? None. Thanks. You’re football picks are a cry for help and evidence of a greater evil: your negligence as a friend. Ooh, it hurts, doesn’t it; personal attacks in what is supposed to be a light-hearted competition. Well maybe now you’ll stop trying to move your tack (you’re not in the game, man) and start doing your job. And please, try and make the picks by yourself. No offense Melissa, but you know just as little about football as I do.
And now for David Rose: the only boy to continually bring me cookies at work. You’re sweet. You’re the only one to pick the Jets, good show. But you also picked Arizona. Aren’t you supposed to be the one man down here that knows the most about football? Maybe they’re slipping drugs into your pop over there at WMUA and that’s why you’re acting like you SMOKE CRACK. Why did you shave your goatee? Now you look like one of the visiting middle schoolers that is wandering around campus with some field trip. I know you try to hide it, by befriending both sides, but you’re just a media whore. One minute you’re laughing with the Sports crew, the next you’re livin’ it up on the radio. Just like a seventh-grader you’re trying to be mister popularity. Newsflash, Willis: you’re not God’s gift to Collegian football columns. You’re a fraud. Now go back to the master control room and leave the print to the real writers, like me.
Thank you Eric, for actually running this. And thank your girlfriend for me too. WRITE FOR WORLD NEWS. Thank you, and goodnight.
– Catherine “C-$” Turner