In today’s aggressive society, it’s awfully difficult to take the time necessary to do the little things: a simple cup of coffee before the day begins, the casual conversation about the weather, a piece of correspondence at the end of the day.
I don’t drink coffee, and I think I’m hoping too much that the fast-paced lifestyle around here affords time for relaxed conversation. But on my third point, the sent letter, I think I may have something. In a world dominated by “Hot Lesbian Slutty Car Mechanic” porno-emails, don’t we as a society have time enough to compose letters to each other? Is it so expensive or prohibitive to compose for ten minutes and purchase the stamp? I think not.
Needless to say, I’ve had some letters to write that I’ve been putting off – lest you believe that I’m speaking down at you, I definitely don’t take the time to write notes to friends – and so I think that I’ll use my column this week to respond to some of the people that I’ve mistakenly missed.
Dear Ten People That Burned an American Flag at Amherst College:
Without being as insulting as I can be, you ten are pretty damn stupid. Apparently, most of you attend Hampshire College, so you figured that school has been critically pilloried long enough. You marched to Amherst College and sullied its good name by interrupting its pro-America rally by burning two flags while a crowd sang “God Bless America.” Not only has Amherst College been incorrectly implicated by your own ignorant behavior, but most of you escaped the scene without being identified.
Except for you, Dan Griffin. You figured that you’re a real tough guy, so you spouted off about American atrocities committed since 1492. Pray tell, when was America actually recognized as a nation? I’d hate to let facts get in the way of your drivel, but do they let anybody into Hampshire College? To falsely attribute the sins of the Spaniards and the Dutch and the Englishmen to America, thus rendering any serious critique of the American behavior in our region facetious by virtue of your own stupidity, is shocking.
If you really want to make a statement, burning an American flag at this point in our nation’s war with Afghanistan is hardly the time to do it. You’re crying wolf because you saw a mouse and you’re only doing that because you saw the chance. Who honestly opportunistically looks for the opportunity to burn a flag? Flag burning is perhaps the most stunning form of political protest in America – to waste it on our current situation indicates a general lack of talent, skill or brains.
That said, I’d never suggest that you didn’t have the right to do what you did. All I’m asking is that you think, even for the fewest of seconds, before doing something so incomprehensibly stupid as burn an American flag so as to soil another institution. I might not be the biggest Lord Jeff, but what you ten did is downright embarrassing.
Sincerely,
Sam Wilkinson
Dear Southwest Residents,
Hey, I don’t mean to make it hard on you, but the reason a tunnel was built underneath Massachusetts Avenue is so that you would use it. Instead, you use the above ground crosswalk, stopping traffic for hours at a time while all three or four thousand of you cross the street in one long, single-file line. Would it really be so difficult to keep yourself contained to the underground tunnel, thus making it easier for traffic to use the roads built, interestingly enough, for automobiles? If that doesn’t appeal, at least you’d be safer in that tunnel, rather than exposed to the miles and miles of traffic all itching to run you over for using the damn crosswalk.
Sitting in Traffic,
Sam Wilkinson
Dear Eeyann,
What has your gender ever done to you that you would so embarrass it with your amateurish behavior? Your frequent gallivanting with the opposite sex, as many as possible apparently, gives all of us a relatively bad name. But you don’t care about that; as long as you’re sexually pleasured for five or ten minutes by somebody, anybody, you seem to be quite all right.
To further irk me, you’re the most disgusting of my gender. Rather than be straight up honest about the fact that you’re in it for the lovin’, you’d behave as if you’re really a sensitive guy, emotional and tender and sweet to the core. But you’re not. You just claim to like Sarah McLachlan on the off-chance that somebody’s going to give you a kiss and stroke your ego. Although it seems perfectly clear, apparently you can’t be bothered to remember that your actions have repercussions, generally with any number of the women that you have involved yourself with. Clearly, you can’t be bothered to think of such things when your Richard has gone without the necessary attention for almost two and a half hours. Perhaps you should.
If you’re going to be a jerk about these things, at least figure out who the nice girls are and leave them alone. The nice ones in this world shouldn’t have to be irreparably harmed by your own indulgent behavior. Stick to the doormats.
Honestly,
Sam Wilkinson
Dear Readers,
Two weeks ago, I went especially overboard in my attempts to crucify Amherst College and, apparently by extension, Sut Jhally. To say that I didn’t make myself clear in that editorial would be aggressively understating the obvious. Needless to say, to both the Amherst College students who have legitimately worked to get where they are (Jarrad, Vanessa, Shannon, the others. . .) and to Professor Sut, my apologies. Catch me on a bad week and you have no idea what I might write.
Humbled,
Sam Wilkinson
That’s all I’ve got for this week, but if you couldn’t tell, this column didn’t take me very long to write. And it shouldn’t be very hard for you to write a few letters too. You might have time for a cup of coffee or a simple conversation, but some correspondence is never too much.
