Invincible?
Unbeatable?
Unbearable?
Apparently so, as Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone again seized first place the box office, this time with a $24.1 million haul, barely distancing itself from new entrant Behind Enemy Lines.
Potter, the loveable tale of a disgusting little imp who has enough magical powers to cast a spell over a gullible American public, has grossed almost $220 million thus far. That’s a staggering number for a movie about a little boy who has “science-fiction society member in waiting” written all over him.
Behind Enemy Lines, a hilarious movie about a dolphin and his wacky trainers, made $19.2 million at the box office. Wait, that was Flipper and it didn’t make any money at all. Lines is a movie about a soldier downed behind enemy lines (clever title, huh?) in Bosnia. Starring Owen Wilson and Gene Hackman, the movie manages to turn a scared, but brave, soldier’s harrowing ordeal into a typically Hollywood shoot ’em up action flick with a wise-cracking all-American as the lead character.
Oh sure, it’s disrespectful, but at least he’s singing “Dixieland” in Bosnia! That’ll show those communists. Or dictators. Or Arabs. Or whomever. Movie executives have admitted that the film’s release was moved forward to cash in on “pro-America sentiment” thus proving that, yet again, Hollywood is a whoring body.
Robert Redford’s Spy Game made $11.2 million to take third place. Brad Pitt also stars. Perhaps this is the film where Redford passes the torch to Pitt, explaining that Pitt can be professionally lazy as long as he has that great look to him.
Rascally Monsters, Inc. scared up $9.4 million. Starring a one-eyed freak voiced by Billy Crystal, the movie’s ongoing success is continued evidence that the days of the hand-animated feature film are long over. It’s also evidence that, yes, there still are kids getting shut out of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, the single greatest movie ever made about Harry Potter and some sorcerer’s stone.
From the “it’s unbelievable that they actually made this” department, Black Knight made $5.7 million. All right, fess up. Who are the 814,286 that bought tickets to this? Why? What could make you hate yourself so much?
The top-five might be nothing to write home about, but the bottom five are downright terrible.
-Shallow Hal fat-joked its way $4.6 million. When popular media is infuriated enough to take a stand against a movie, it sort of sends the message that the movie probably sucks, doesn’t it?
-Out Cold had the audacity to make $2.9 million. In two weeks, this will be on Comedy Central, wedged between Weekend at Bernie’s II and Eight Heads in a Duffel Bag.
-Domestic Disturbance made $1.9 million, meaning it can’t be long until John Travolta will be vanquished from the top-ten. Truly a mercy killing, if ever there was one.
-Amelie, a rumored delightful French comedy, surrendered to ninth place with $1.4 million.
-Heist made $1.2 million. If Danny DeVito’s character was right when he said, “Everybody wants money! That’s why it’s called money!” Mamet’s movie soon forgot the lesson.
In art houses everywhere (by which it is meant: New York and Los Angeles), a busty Hilary Swank’s The Affair of the Necklace made a bountiful $136,000 at 18 theaters. Not a bad haul.
Of course, until The Affair of the Necklace stars a loveable child actor who plays quidditch, it won’t ever be important enough to be mentioned at the top of this column.
