Please let me express my sincerest apologies to everyone active in the UMass lacrosse community.
What I did was completely immoral.
Using my power as an NCAA Men’s Lacrosse Committee member, I convinced the board to overlook your Minutemen for selection to last year’s NCAA Tournament field.
I mean, your Minutemen beat the absolute fuck out of my Hofstra team, 17-13. And when I say, beat the fuck, I really mean, just fucking totally drilled the fucking busted fuck out of us. If you were there, then you understand where I’m coming from.
For me to go and screw a team that went 12-2 out of the postseason…damn. That’s total bullshit. I’m the ugliest motherfucker this here side of life. I’m a neutered virgin. And my dog just took a wild, diarrhea-crazy, juicy dump on my new penny loafers.
Plus, I go to Bingo halls and cheat old ladies out of diminutive amounts of cash just so I can go buy flowers, tampons, and Barbies for my boyfriend Don Starsea, the head coach of the Virginia men’s lacrosse team and NCAA Men’s Lacrosse Committee member (If you don’t recall, his team went 7-6 and we still put them in the Tournament).
So to go and fuck with UMass was insanely dense. I mean, I’m just one pathetic pill of Longitude. One modest piece of Hippo manure.
I suck, and I’m forever sorry. Excuse me as Tom Fallon and Matt McFarland go push me off a cliff.
Yours fucking brainless,
Mr. Haroldo Royal
Director of Athletics
University of Hofstra