UMass plans bakesale, considers carwash
With it clear that the state will do little to bail out a financially wrecked University of Massachusetts, campus leaders have begun to plan for budget shortfalls.
Particularly, UMass will have a bakesale this weekend, and is strongly considering a carwash.
According to the University’s Chancellor, Marcellete Williams, “we think that the bakesale might bring in a few hundred dollars, and heaven knows how many cars we might get washed.”
Enlisting the help of many of the University’s greatest cookie chefs, Williams said that she expects Jhally’s Chocolate Chip Cookies will be huge sellers.
What’s the communication professor’s secret?
“Tollhouse. Yes, it’s a corporation, but honestly – can you find a better chocolate chip cookie?” Sut Jhally asked. “Can you?”
Other possible big sellers include Javier Cevallos’ self-described “world famous” brownies and Trustee Jon Laubinger’s apple pies. Laubinger said he expects huge sales.
“If we can raise a few hundred dollars with this sale, we’ll only be some fifteen million dollars short next year. This could be a great project,” he said.
Not wanting to put all of the University’s eggs in one basket, Williams said she was also considering a carwash – “who doesn’t want to get their car washed, what with all the salt everywhere?” Williams wondered – but said that it wouldn’t happen until it got warmer.
Rumors also had Williams cashing in the University’s pyramid of beer cans, but for the time being, she was holding on to the structure valued at more than $38. She cited the pyramids built in memories.
New Chancellor Announced; Coleman Is In
In a surprise move over the holiday weekend UMass President William Bulger recommended former child star Gary Coleman for the position of chancellor. Equally as surprising was the emergency meeting held by the chancellor search committee to approve the recommendation. Coleman will take his post today.
Coleman is most recognized for his role as Arnold Jackson on the hit television series “Diff’rent Strokes.” The show aired from 1978 thru 1986. More recently Coleman has made many cameo appearances in various movies, mostly playing himself.
Coleman’s checkered past was a concern for some committee members. “I was concerned about his recent assault conviction,” Mazamo Mangaliso, a committee member, said. Coleman was ordered to pay California bus driver Tracy Fields $1665 for hospital bills after punching her in the head. The case was presided over by Judge Mills Lane. She added that she felt, “he was the best candidate for the job.”
UMass Student Trustee Jon Laubinger was ecstatic over the announcement, “He (Coleman) has worked with some of the best in the industry. Todd Bridges, that dude who played Mr. Drummond, Coleman definitely has the qualities to lead this University into the future.” Other students weren’t so enthusiastic. Chad Benoit, a senior Marketing major who attended the emergency meeting had this to say, “I think he’s a great fit for UMass. He fights for the little guy, you know? But I’m not too sure he’s abreast of the budgetary issues. I asked him what his stance was, and he replied, ‘Whatchu’ talkin’ bout, Whitey?'”
Two of the three finalists announced last week were unavailable for comment. John Lombardi was reached at his home in Florida.
“This is fucking ridiculous. I spent my whole life working in higher education and this little bastard beats me out. He’s addicted to sleeping pills, you know? Good luck, UMass,” commented Lombardi. The search committee played this off as a case of sour grapes.
Coleman will take office today. He is expected to address the university community later this week but no exact time has been set.
Somebody wins SGA Election
According to John Sheehan, the Student Government Association president, somebody definitely won last week’s election.
“I’m pretty sure that it was one of the candidates too,” Sheehan said. “But other than that I’m not even sure which one it was. I’m just sure that somebody won.”
The barely publicized election — it is estimated that only three students even knew that a debate was going on — saw voters turning out in what might become record numbers last Wednesday and Thursday.
“I saw upwards of eleven people voting here alone,” Linson Naval said. He is this year’s election commissioner. “Some people even seemed to know who was running, which is a real change.”
Unlike in past years, this year’s election comes in the midst of a disasterous set of budget cuts.
“The winner guy certainly has a hell of a job in front of him,” Sheehan said. “Or her. I’m not really sure.”
Marcellette Williams, the University’s Chancellor, embraced “the winner,” saying that she looked forward to working with, “whoever it ended up being. We have a huge task in front of us, and having a student who fellow students can look to for leadership is a tremendous help in our fight against these cuts. Students have found a real leader in the winner.”
Asked if she knew his name, she asked back, “that one with the hair, right?”
Sheehan concurred. “Two eyes also. Definitely hair and two eyes.”
Marcum mocks eliminated teams, calls gymnastics “gay.”
Athletic Director Bob Marcum, under fire for his decision to eliminate seven successful sports teams instead of a failure of a football team, fired back at his critics and those teams yesterday.
He described the seven teams eliminated as “totally lame, and some were bordering on being out-and-out gay.”
“Does anybody want to watch a bunch of wussies swimming back and forth? Anybody? I guess it’s kinda hard to throw a ball while swimming, but I’ve played volleyball in my pool and it never seemed so difficult.”
Marcum has been heavily criticized for eliminating seven programs, most of whom had achieved athletic success in the past years. Marcum described women’s volleyball as “lame-ity lame lame,” and men’s tennis as “just awful.”
However, he saved most of his vitriol for the gymnastics teams. “Oh look at me, I can swing on rings, or jump over some things. Look at me, I feel over and rolled around. That isn’t athletics — it’s monkeys at a zoo. And frankly, I like the monkeys more because they sometimes scratch themselves and that’s funny.” He continued, wondering why, “men would ever want to jump around with one another? It’s just so gay.”
Marcum also made a point of describing this year’s football team as the “best yet” and suggested that Mark Whipple’s squad could easily stack up against Nebraska.
Minuteman newspaper endorses women’s right to vote
Bolstering the women’s movement considerably, the Minuteman has endorsed a woman’s right to vote.
In a staff editorial, the Minuteman agreed that, “in 2002, considering women’s healthy contributions to our dinner and baby-having, we should reward them with the right to vote.”
The Minuteman made sure to explain the sudden change in position – the University’s conservative student newspaper has opposed a woman’s right to speak unless spoken to until just five years ago – saying that it felt women had finally earned the privilege.
“However, to keep that privilege, we suggest women be given one election to vote in every ten years for the first 100 years of this revolutionary program. Instead of voting in every election, an act which could confuse women or injure their ovaries, we feel it best that women be eased into the responsibility of voting.”
Minuteman editors praised the editorial.
Chris Carlozzi, the newspaper’s publisher, said, “where the Minuteman leads, the nation follows. That’s just how important we are. We feel women owe us a big thank you.”
Arlene Avakian, a professor in the University’s women studies department, obliged. “We thank the Minuteman for realizing, nearly one hundred years after we actually did get the right to vote, that we actually have earned that right.”
Local skateboarders protest the Man by wearing Man’s clothes, using his skateboards
Wearing $60 skateboarding pants, local ‘boarder Kenny
McMillen protested society’s unfair control on skating. After being told that he wasn’t allowed to skate in classrooms, McMillen said that the University’s policy was, “completely lameass.”
Carrying a $135 skateboard made by Nike, McMillen said he was sick and tired of being told by “the Man” where he could and could not skate.
“I’m a citizen man, and if I want to grind wickedly in the middle of the Student Union, they can’t stop me!” McMillen said, drinking a Sobe that cost more than two dollars. “I pay taxes man!”
Technically, McMillen’s parents pay taxes, as he is still living off their weekly allowance of twenty bucks.
“Damn the Man!” McMillen screamed, looking around to see if anybody heard.
McMillen’s grungy friends demanded similar skating freedoms. Wearing a Quiksilver t-shirt and a pair of Etnies skateshoes, Cindy Creedy protested a society that she wasn’t a part of. “I’m not one of the corporate whores who plays football after school decked out in Adidas. I’m fighting the Man, and for that, I’m being repressed.”
“The system totally blows the big one,” James Candifarro said. Wearing retro shirts hinting at cartoons that he could not possibly remember because he had not been born yet, Candifarro said his revolution against the system would continue. “Dude, the mall totally sucks. Totally. Let’s go grind over to Newbury Comics. We’ll show the Man.”
At Newbury, he purchased the latest Korn album. “They totally hate corporate America.”
Local Catholic let down again
Another Easter, another letdown for one local Catholic. Joe O’Brien, who has come to expect the resurrection of Jesus Christ himself, was again miffed that the big guy didn’t appear yesterday.
“What in the hell? Easter’s the day he makes his big comeback, right? I’m not wrong in thinking that this is the day he’s supposed to make his return, am I? This is worse than Michael Jackson’s recent return.” O’Brien said. “This sucks.”
The Salem native has now been miffed for 21 straight years.
“I mean, good lord. Every year I sit through the buildup and the expectation, and every year, nothing. What’s the deal? Is my priest lying to me or what?”
Father Jim Mulrooney expressed sadness for Mr. O’Brien.
“Hey, I swear to God I’ve tried to explain to him that we’re just remembering the Resurrection, but he’s forever expecting it. I think he was really let down this year. He was pretty convinced this was his year.” Mulrooney said. “Especially after the Patriots and everything. Hell, I was ready for Jesus to come walking in after that game.”
O’Brien expectation of a huge Resurrection has led friends to pity him. However, most describe him as a loyal Catholic who is just misinformed on this particular issue.
And Christmas.
“Everyday December 25th, he watches the news all day, and when Jesus Christ isn’t born, he gets absolutely miffed. One year, a guy named Jesus was born, but its turns out it was actually Jesus, like the Spanish name. Boy was he a pain to be around for the next week.” Billy Malley, a friend, said.
Despite the Savior’s refusal to appear this year, O’Brien explained that next year was likely the year. He conceded that his expectation of a resurrection this year might have been unrealistic.
“What was I thinking? 2002 and the year the Patriots won the Super Bowl? It’s not like God shows up twice in a given year. My bad.”
Management major says UMass mismanaged
The University of Massachusetts is a “textbook” case of mismanagement, according to Peter Gabriel, a senior Managment student says.
“We uh, study this kind of thing in a couple of my classes, like a what-not-to-to kind of thing,” Gabriel said. “And like UMass fits like every one of the indicators.”
Gabriel explained that UMass wasn’t “optimizing efficiency” or “minimizing overhead while increasing profits” and that was “fucked up.”
Gabriel reached this conclusion after his fourth kamikaze at the Monkey Bar. Other Isenberg School of Management majors in the bar agreed, cheering Gabriel on as he expounded on his theory and pounded a Heineiken.
“Pete’s a smart guy,” Chip Fischer, a senior Accounting major said.
“There was this one time right, when Pete as taking this stupid history class for his gen-ed and he was failing, so Pete had our dean threaten the professor into passing him. Stupid history guy actually thought he could fail an ISOM kid.”
Women’s Studies Loses Stapler to Budget Cuts, Protests Patriarchy
Reacting to the loss of a stapler to recent budget cuts, the Women’s Studies Department called the reduction a typical act of a patriarchy interested only in women’s oppression.
According to the Department’s Director, “the loss of even our precious stapler is indicative of a Patriarchacal conspiracy to deprive the women of this campus of their education, and in a larger context, keep women in the kitchen.”
Professors at both Smith and Mt. Holyoke Colleges agreed, calling the stapler the “first step on a long-road toward women being nothing more than barefoot and pregnant.”
Ann Ferguson, another professor in the Department, asked that students remember the stapler, in all of her attempts to fight against a system that forever oppressed her into a world of menial stapling.
“That stapler hosted a very well-received poetry slam at Food for Thought books, the only local bookstore that isn’t a part of the vast male conspiracy to contain women and their voices.” Ferguson said. “Her poem about male-domination and the impact of the Vagina Monologues was particularly affecting.”
Ferguson dabbed at her eyes, but insisted she wasn’t crying, as crying is the emotional construction forced upon women by men attempting to present women as nothing more than emotional heaps.
A fund-raising concert has been planned, with the Department saying in a letter to the Women’s Times that it would “never back down to men hell-bent on their destruction.”
“We will replace this stapler, and we will do it ourselves. If the University will not provide, then we shall overcome,” said the letter.
Briefs compiled from CNN.com.