On Saturday nights I go to sleep happy, no matter what I’ve done. This is because I know that when I wake up, my Boston Sunday Globe will be patiently awaiting the end of my slumber at the foot of my driveway. When I retrieve my paper and return to the warmth of my bedroom, I all but completely ignore the headlines that frame the front page, ripping the sections apart looking to find my double Smart Source coupon magazines. I leaf through, reveling in the savings that I am destined for. I rip, clip and snip away, convincing myself that the savings outweigh the fact that I wouldn’t normally buy any of these things.
One dollar off Resolve triple action carpet cleaner! How ironic, just this weekend I spilled cranberry juice on my white carpet! One shiny quarter off Thomas’ English muffins? I was going to try to watch my carbs, but I can’t pass this deal up. Another dollar off, if I just buy 13 cans of Progresso soup. I’ll get around to eating them someday. Two dollars off something in a sparkly blue package, I don’t know what it does, but what unprecedented savings! I can afford to take a chance. Snip, snip.
So now here I sit with a toppling pile of coupons, which will invariably sit and collect dust until the impending expiration date comes and goes. The fact that I don’t actually ever use any of these coupons occurred to me the other day. I go grocery shopping fairly often, usually on Sundays, mere hours after scouring the paper for savings, but somehow the coupons never come with me.
So, I wonder: Why do I experience this panicky sweaty palmed excitement in the face of them? Do I have a passion for coupons? Because seriously, how many of these things would you actually buy if you did not have a coupon? Doritos Rollitos? The companies that offer these coupons don’t actually expect you to use them, they are just banking on your glancing at them.
And on top of all of this, the coupons aren’t even a good value. Let’s just go back to Doritos Rollitos, if I may. In order to save 50 cents off this processed garbage that you never would have bought on your own accord without the coupon, you have to buy two bags. That’s $4 down, 50 cents back. Hmmm, there’s something wrong here.
There are the people that do take advantage of the savings that coupons provide. I’m sure you know these people, but let’s be honest … they’re a little nutty. My friend’s dad, for instance, will come home after a long day of shopping, sit down and calculate how much he saved that day. The other night I was over at their house and witnessed his weekly ritual. He sits in the kitchen with all of his receipts and actually calculates the percentage of money he saved in a particular store and compares this to how much he would have paid in other stores. Then, using the quadratic formula, number theory and quantum physics, he charts his savings vs. the GDP of Japan vs. the national deficit on a three dimensional graph. After figuring out that he had saved exactly $7.62, he announces to us “coupons are the greatest modern day invention. I don’t know why more people don’t take advantage of them.”
And here’s the rub: half the stuff he buys would never have entered his house without the magical power of coupons. The night I was there, we helped my friend’s father empty the car of all of the glorious deals he had gotten that day.
“Dad, what do we need this donut pan for?”
“There was a coupon for them. It used to be $19.95 for a pan, and I got these for only $17.95.”
“But dad, we never make donuts. And you hate them.”
“Yeah, but aren’t you always telling me to broaden my culinary horizons? Plus, we saved two bucks.”
Another coupon headcase is my roommate and her equally deranged boyfriend. (I love you guys – dinner at eight? Oh, and remember to tape “The Bachelorette.” I heard blank tapes are on sale at CVS.) I have crowned these two kooks queen and king of bargain shopping. In fact, as I was writing this column she called in from the living room, “can I pick through these coupons?” No joke. These two sit around the day after they go grocery shopping lamenting about the savings they could have gotten, had they only waited for the next periodical to come out.
Just last night I sat pouring over my latest assignment when Queen Coupon came into the room eyes fluttering and mouth agape in what appeared to be a fit of seizure. I briefly wondered if those crazy terrorists had struck again. Or maybe the kitchen was on fire. As it turned out, things were much bleaker than I had first thought.
In a falsetto that rivaled that of even the most emotional Eagles tune, she screamed, “I was just reading the latest Stop ‘ Shop circular and everything is two for one! I could have gotten twice the sponges for a quarter more.”
I calmed her down and bent my head back to work. I pity the poor girl and the sweat and time she pours into saving a few bucks each week. Then again, my wallet is looking pretty empty and I heard that nothing fuels the late night homework engine like a couple of bags of those new Doritos Rollitos. Maybe I’ll see if the paper is still lying around.
Frances Carr is a Collegian columnist.
