I’ve recently received some terrible news. News that is more important than UMass tuition increases, secret FBI agents on campus, and even that Noriega thing. It’s a breaking story on the street, the Sesame Street. It seems the producers of the show have decided to suck the soul out of the beloved Cookie Monster. In consideration of the increase in child obesity rates, the powers that be have decided that the Cookie Monster is sending a bad image to kids. The great Sesame Street character was revamped for this season, where he is taught that a cookie, or rather a whole stack of cookies, is not a thing that you can shove down your throat in an outrageously hilarious fashion. A reliable and attractive source confirms, now and forever, the Cookie Monster is being taught that a cookie is a “sometimes food.” It gets worse. The song: “C is for Cookie, that’s good enough for me” is no more. Now there’s the song: “A cookie is a sometimes food.” Yes, they took away the song. (Now I’d like to write that last sentence with swears and italics and exclamation points, but then I’d have to edit it out for the paper, so to compensate, please reread it in a morbid, phenomenally depressing way). The song’s gone and the Cookie Monster is learning moderation