As everyone is aware, God has sent down a second flood to cleanse the earth of all evil. It’s been raining now for over a week and it doesn’t seem like it’s going to stop. I, for one, am getting some wood and reading up on ship-building. If you want in on salvation, start getting two of every animal and bring ’em over to my place.
But even before I went to Home Depot, after looking at the 10-day forecast and seeing nothing but clouds, I decided to bring out the umbrella and make it a daily addition to my effects. Now, I’m not here to rant about how I love my umbrella, which I do and would like to do. Rather, I am trying to convey a selfless and altruistic message. You see, as I’m walking around feeling nice and dry, I see the miserable dregs around me who don’t seem to own one of these wonderful shields, nor take proper precautions in general. It’s been raining for so long that I can’t remember the last time it was sunny, yet still these people chose to defy the conventional paraphernalia known as wet weather gear.
Today I saw a girl walking around in the pouring rain in clunking high heels and capris. Come on, take comfort over fashion. She was completely soaked from head to exposed toe and looked miserable. A friend was walking alongside her, and of course neither of them had an umbrella or raincoats. But this display isn’t only confined to the Susies Sweatpants of the University of Massachusetts: everywhere I go on campus, I can’t turn my head without seeing somebody who is just drenched and miserable. For those who wear leather coats: you’ve got to be kidding me. Cows can get wet, your sweet T-Birds jacket can’t.
Why don’t you attempt to keep dry? I think it comes down to two reasons: one is that people are too vain to be seen with umbrellas (see examples above), and the other is that people see them as a hassle. Thus enters the stupidest accessory ever, the small pop-up user-friendly umbrella. This thoughtless buy was clearly made with the mindset of convenience of size over functionality. I see these struggling men and women around campus with these miniscule things with the only real benefit of keeping your hairdo intact. Other than that, you get completely soaked. Not to mention the fact that it’s just going to break in 5 mph wind (if you don’t forget it in the Dining Commons first).
As I make my trek through the rain from class to class, I look at you poor souls, and I see a former version of myself. I was once lost as you were, but then my grandparents sent me this sweet umbrella and I found the path. As this semester is coming to a close, you probably won’t need an umbrella for much longer because you won’t have to walk around so much, but think about what I have said, and plan for the next.
Don’t abstain from buying an umbrella, and if you do splurge and purchase one, don’t get one that a sneeze could turn inside out. If you are too vain or proud and can’t do it for yourself, do it for the person next to you at the next lecture. They don’t want someone sitting next to them who smells like one of the wet animals I’m loading up onto my ark.
Tucker Merrick is a Collegian staff member.
