It’s official, people. Barack Obama is a Communist. Columnist Bill Kristol has outed him. Kristol noted that a comment Comrade Obama made at an April 6 fundraiser in San Francisco, “It’s not surprising then that they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations,” is similar in meaning to Karl Marx’s famous “Religion is the opium of the people”.

I am surprised it took us this long to figure it out. I mean, Comrade Obama is a Democrat who opposed the war in Iraq, voted for the renewal of the Patriot Act, is committed to expanding government power over the individual to the point where there will be a federal agency for volunteer work as an alternative to military service, supports universal healthcare, and would not feel bound by the limitations of the Constitution.

Comrade Obama, therefore, supports the “Revolution in One Country” brand of Marxism, otherwise known as Stalinism. This contrasts him with the neoconservatives, who want to spread the Revolution around the world by force of arms – in other words, they’re followers of Trotsky – and Comrade Kristol is a very loyal Trotskyite.

So, the age old battle to be the Heir of Lenin continues unabated in North America. With the Bush-Bernanke depression getting started, economic differences are poised to disappear almost entirely and the new dialectic will be between Republicans and Democrats. I am just a humble comrade and have not the towering prophetic vision of even Comrade McCain, so I will not make a prediction of who will be the winner at the end of the conflict.

I say that whichever young comrades live to see the day when the revolution is complete will behold a glorious End of History in this country. The United States will then again be a city on a hill, a glorious example to all of the fulfillment of revolutionary promise.

If the Democrat comrades win, we will see a marvelous welfare state on the European model come into being, where all will have access to healthcare when they need it, greedy corporations will be secretly subsidized, the poor and the homeless will be taken care of, women will be allowed to abort children as old as five, religion will vanish from public life, any nation that dares express an opinion contrary to ours will be made to disappear, and the State will be supreme.

If the Republican comrades win, we will see a marvelous warfare state on the North Korean model come into being, where all will have access to healthcare when they need it, greedy corporations will be secretly subsidized, the poor and the homeless will be taken care of, religion will vanish from public life, women will be allowed to abort children as old as five, any nation that dares express an opinion contrary to ours will be made to disappear, and the State will be supreme.

However, in the great dialectic of thesis and antithesis, synthesis will come. Yes, comrades, the conflict will be such that it will not be just Republicans Democrats winning the battle for history. Instead, forces beyond human control will mold the opposing forces into a new, triumphant ideology. When that day comes, we will not be New Republican or New Democratic Men, but New Democratic-Republican Men.

There will be a most glorious and exemplar warfare-welfare State. In this New Order, all will have access to healthcare when they need it, greedy corporations will be publicly chastened and secretly subsidized, the poor and the homeless will be taken care of, women will be allowed to abort children as old as five, religion will vanish from public life, any nation that dares express an opinion contrary to ours will be made to disappear, and the State will be supreme.

Comrade Obama – and the movement he has started – will be a most effective agency for social change. Moreover, Comrade Obama’s credentials are pure, orthodox Marxist. He used his bourgeois law degree to help proletarians in Chicago, and he will make the greatest leader of the proletarian dictatorship since Comrade Lenin himself. Comrade Hillary, on the other hand, has only been a friend to the proletariat when it suited her or her husband – she even served on the Board of Directors of the evil, capitalist, worker-oppressing Wal-Mart! Comrade McCain delights in imperialist wars of aggression, and even in fighting against fellow communists in Vietnam.

What other innovations could synthesis offer us? Time will tell, but as the Feudal Age was shaped by the stirrup and the Capitalist by the steam engine, the computer will result in a new mode of production where proletarian and bourgeois will benefit equally. In fact, they won’t even be proletarian or bourgeois any longer, they will be the New Democratic-Republican Men.

Republicans and Democrats of the world, unite!

Matthew Robare is a Collegian columnist. He can be reached at [email protected]