I was watching Fox News the other night when something suddenly hit me like a Marc Jacobs spike-heel stiletto: The conservative movement is dying. It’s old, it’s dull and worse, it’s tragically un-hip.

As my eyes roved across Fox’s news contributors — Dick Morris (old!), Krauthammer (handicapped!), Dana Perino (Can you say “crows-feet?”) – I realized that not even an Extreme Makeover could save this political movement. I mean, how could there possibly be this many old people in one place? Did Roger Ailes recruit his lineup from the nickel slots section at Foxwoods? What gives?

It was almost enough for a young conservative like me to renounce the ideology for good. That was until I discovered someone who would transform the conservative youth movement for the 21st century.

I’m referring, of course, to up-and-coming political commentator and pop-culture maven, Meghan McCain. You may know her better as the 20-something blonde daughter of the guy who lost the presidency to Barack Obama.

If you thought Republicans were too embarrassed to publicly associate with Meghan McCain because of her “ditzy” reputation, then you clearly haven’t spent enough time around the Republicans in Amherst. According to the MassGOP’s website, the UMass Republican Club has invited Meghan to campus to give a lecture on “her vision of the future of the Republican Party.”

Meghan, who writes columns for the Daily Beast, has fashioned herself as a leader of the young conservative movement. According to her profile on the Greater Talent Speakers Bureau website, which recently signed her as a client, Meghan “has launched a national movement to redefine Republican stereotypes and values.”

Incredible. As the Republican Party sinks into musty irrelevancy, Meghan McCain has suddenly arrived like a modern-day William F. Buckley to single-handedly redefine the conservative movement as we know it.

“It is no secret that being a Republican isn’t the most hip political stance a person can take right now,” admitted Meghan, who is sometimes photographed hanging out with celebrities like Tila Tequila and Heidi Montag, in her March 9 column in the Daily Beast.

“I wish I could be more positive about the current ‘hipness’ of our party. But being a Republican is about as edgy as Donny Osmond,” she added.

Meghan is right. For too long, the Republican Party has played host to schlubs, ugly people and the elderly, while the Democratic Party has brimmed with jet-setters, glitterati and virtually the whole cast of Twilight. No wonder the conservative movement is losing voters – our answer to Russell Brand is Ben Stein.

As a young conservative, I’m embarrassed and offended by this blatant disregard of societal trendiness. Forget “small government,” “free market,” and “individual liberty.” What’s the point of having “principles” if they can’t get you past the bouncer at 1Oak?

Fortunately, Meghan assures us that not all hope is lost. “I know there are young cool Republicans out there – I’ve met them – but many of them are too scared to come out of the closet,” she wrote in a July 10 Daily Beast column.

So what steps is Meghan taking to help rebrand the Republican Party as a hipper, younger movement? I’ve read through some of her columns, and here is what I’ve found:

Step One: Remind everyone the Republican Party is full of old, stupid people.

Because if you’ve “launched a national movement to redefine Republican stereotypes and values,” there is really no better way to achieve this than to constantly announce how “uncool” the party is – preferably publically and in print.

For more information, see Meghan’s articles entitled “Karl Rove, Twitter Creep,” “My Message for Michelle Malkin,” “My Beef With Ann Coulter,” “Stop Talking About My Weight, Laura Ingraham,” “The GOP Doesn’t Understand Sex” and “Why the Republicans Don’t Get the Internet.”

Step Two: Reiterate how cool Meghan McCain is in comparison to other Republicans.

Meghan isn’t like other Republicans – she’s a cool Republican. In fact, on Oct. 14, 2008, she even confessed to Fox News that she “voted for [John] Kerry and Al Gore” – yes, Al Gore, who ran for President in 2000 when Meghan was only 16 years old. How precocious.

And during a speech to the Log Cabin Republicans on April 18, she reiterated how far she deviates from the rest of the unwashed Republican masses.

“I am concerned about the environment. I love to wear black. I think government is best when it stays out of people’s lives and business as much as possible. I love punk rock. I believe in a strong national defense. I have a tattoo. I believe government should always be efficient and accountable. I have lots of gay friends. And yes, I am a Republican.” A shocking revelation, of course, to all of us who believed Republicans only wore pastels and listened to old show tunes while tossing burning Styrofoam containers into the backyard of their gay, tattooed neighbor. Meghan is a true anomaly and Republican trailblazer.

Step Three: If All Else Fails, Go Back to Being a Democrat.

But then what would you be famous for?

Alana Goodman is a Collegian columnist.  She can be reached at [email protected].