When I travel abroad this holiday, can you please make sure that when I go through security the body scanners won’t make my butt look fat?
Thanks,
Roy Ribitzky
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Dear Santa,
Last Christmas you gave me a video camera. The very next day, you gave it away (to be borrowed by everyone at the Collegian). This year, to save me from tears (and so I can remember what mine looks like), please give them their own camera.
Love always,
Chris Shores
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Dear Santa,
I have been very good this year and for Christmas I want peace on Earth, goodwill for all peoples and the painful deaths of this great country’s enemies, especially Julian Assange.
Thank you,
A Republican, age 47; mental age 9
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Dear Santa,
Listen, I know usually I really hate it when you get me socks – those fuzzy bright colored socks with polka dots and stripes. It’s stupid and cheap of you, but this year I would love some socks – any really as long as they don’t have holes. That is what happens when you are a senior, you run out of essential resources. Speaking of being a senior, could you bring a prescription to cure senioritis? Otherwise next semester might be a flop.
Thanks Santa,
Chelsea Whitton
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Dear Santa,
I know we haven’t always been on the best of terms, with my being Jewish and everything, but I feel like you’re my last resort. Please take Hannukah Harry under your wing and show him how things are done. As much fun as eight nights of socks and scented hand sanitizer is, I’m sure none of the kids would mind getting an iPad or trip to Hawaii.
Counting on you,
Rachel Tumin
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Dear Santa,
I know I’m an atheist and all, and that I don’t exactly celebrate Christmas, but you can still hook me up right? I mean, I don’t even get paid at The Collegian, so a little pity isn’t too much to ask for, especially with the sacrifices I make. That, and maybe a katana or crossbow. Hey, those zombies aren’t going to kill themselves when the zombie apocalypse comes around, and I kind of want to survive.
You’re the best,
Tim Jones
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Dead Santa,
All I want for Christmas are the charges dropped.
Love,
Justin
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Dear Magical Ed/Op Santa,
In exchange for creating you, along with what I assume will be the above graphic, a year ago, I’d like a couple things:
For one, I want the rest of the second season of Glee to not suck and to stop pretending that Will Schuester is a likeable character.
I demand that the lead singer of the B-52’s sing “Bad Romance.”
I’d like a BBQ chicken pizza at the moment, and will almost certainly continue to want one in the future.
Setting aside lesser priorities like a jetpack or robot dog, I want Tracy Morgan and Morgan Freeman to be combined into one super-being – Tracy Morgan Freeman – that can run down the street naked while voicing a MasterCard commercial. It’s also so I don’t have to constantly worry about Morgan Freeman’s death being announced on the news.
Mostly, I really want a job. That would be awesome. I want one either writing about football or video games. Or as a bacon control analyst.
Your creator and master,
Nick O’Malley
