Last semester, my mom e-mailed me the list of “100 Things to do Before you Graduate” and asked me how far I’d gotten during my time at this here University of Massachusetts.

Heading into my last semester on campus, I’d completed 44 percent of the list. At first, I thought I should be a little disappointed in the number. I like doing stuff. I love going here. I don’t want to leave. But then I realized the list was kind of stupid.

As I looked at the list, a number of things appeared that I easily could’ve done, but just didn’t care about, or could accomplish 20 years from now wandering through campus.

What I care about are things I can do now. College stuff. What I need to complete is a UMass Bucket List. Complete with achievements that the school has no business publishing, it goes a little like this.

1. Take a joke class.

I’m taking History of Baseball and From Grimms to Disney this semester. UMass also offers a SCUBA class. Also, have you seen some of the classes Hampshire College offers?

2. Take a Five College course.

I thought I was taking a joke course until I saw that Hampshire offers Fundamentals of Basketball and Bicycle Maintenance.

3. Eat at the diner between the hours of 2 a.m. And 6 a.m.

The Route 9 Diner is open 24 hours a day. It’s about time you used all of them.

4. Eat every variety of Wing.

Honey barbecue’s overrated. At least after the 43rd time. Try the Jamaican Jerk.

5. Eat at that place you’d always meant to go to.

For me, this was Bubs’ Barbecue north of campus on Route 116.

6. Drink with a professor.

You know you’ve always wanted to.

7. Go abroad.

You don’t necessarily have to study abroad, but at least take the opportunity to leave the country and study a broad. Or a guy.

8. Be the upperclassman with the good alcohol.

Do this while you watch someone run around with a water bottle of Rubinoff they paid $10 for and end up throwing up outside of Pufton.

9. Use UMass paraphernalia for drinking.

Did you know that the lid on the metal drinking bottles we got in fall 2009 made great shot glasses?

10. Utilize the library.

Because at least 60 percent of the library is vacant for most of the day.

11. Watch each residential area live up to its reputation.

Watch everyone leave Sylvan to be a ghost town. Watch as kids smoke up the willow tree in lower Central. Watch someone vomit on a building in Southwest. Watch Northeast as its racial makeup never disappoints. Watch kids be miserable as they walk up the hill.

12. Tailgate.

If college football has taught us anything, it’s that having a midnight party at noon is a great thing. Keep in mind that going to the game itself is preferred, but not required. Pansies.

13. Collect 10 free t-shirts

This was on the school’s list. I endorse it 100 percent.

14. Write something for The Collegian.

Yes, I‘m biased. Yes, this was also on the list. But still, trust me. It feels good and counts as being published.

15. Party in each residential area.

For a minute, I thought I’d never partied in Northeast, even though I lived there for a semester in Hamlin. That tells you everything you need to know about Hamlin.

16. Do something funny with a Halloween lobster.

To this day, Tree Lobster continues to live in infamy.

17. Ride the Zamboni.

My friend Meg did it. I will forever be jealous.

18. Sing the F%^& ‘em up, F%^& ‘em up, go UMass song.

It’s always fun to heckle scholarship athletes in their mid-20s.

19. Get an on-campus job that pays you to do your homework.

Oh, they’re out there.

20. Don’t do the readings, but still crush a class.

I’m sorry Anthropology 106.

21. Sled down Orchard Hill.

They took away the trays. Damnit. At least there’s enough snow now.

22. Sneak tomorrow’s dinner out of the Dining Commons.

This is by no means an admission of guilt. Former Collegian comics editor Adam Szajgin made that same mistake and got a bill in the mail.

23. Bake a funfetti cake for no reason.

Offer some to people in your building. They will be confused.

24. Roadtrip.

The Rally to Restore Sanity and the UMass-Michigan game were the best opportunities in recent memory.

25. Watch the Walk of Shame and contemplate your place in the world.

Mull it over. Where will you be in the world once you graduate? Probably in a better position than that girl with one shoe is right now.

Nick O’Malley is a Collegian columnist. He can be reached at [email protected].