I wanted to pile on Rebecca Black. I really did.

I wanted to do another analytical breakdown of the 13-year-old viral “singer’s” cultural phenomenon of a video “Friday” and be silly. I wanted to talk about the social implications of the question “which seat can I take” and how it reflects the Civil Rights struggle during the Montgomery Bus Strike.

But no. The internet had to go and ruin everything. Also, I’m apparently late on this. The video, at the time of writing, has 39,484,088 views.

There are fewer things more entertaining than making fun of stupid people that got famous for no reason. Paris Hilton being famous for a green sex tape. Kim Kardashian has her butt. And her sex tape. The other Kardashians have Kim’s butt and sex tape. Justin Bieber is one of the silliest things to ever happen to pop culture. I eat this stuff up. There’s just one thing that’s wrong.

Why does the Internet need to be a bottomless chasm from which no sense of humanity can escape?

It’s one thing that the Internet’s anonymous commenters (I’m looking at you, 4chan) have made the girl’s life awful, which is a terrible occurrence. At the same time, though, iTunes sales have already made the girl a millionaire at 13-years-old. Do you know how much crap you can buy at Hollister for a million bucks? The girl is going to be fine.

No, the problem isn’t with the fact that the girl is going to get ridiculed for about a month before we all move on with our lives, it’s the fact that this sort of behavior is expected by the Internet. About a week after the music video went viral, Gawker.com ran a story with the headline “What’s 4chan Going to Do to Rebecca Black?” What the hell? Why does something need to be done? I get it that people don’t like Justin Bieber and his teeny-bopper ilk. I don’t get why people say they want to see him eaten by wolves.

Here are some YouTube comments grabs over the last three minutes alone. At the time of writing, there were 357, 624 comments and over 100 more posted by the time it took to write this paragraph.

NikkiKatzz wrote, “My reality is now and forever broken. I might just go out and snort some cocaine and some crack now … a lot of cocaine and crack.”

That’s a funny response. Now, let’s look at a less appropriate one. Stronesthrowaregods wrote, “Who knows what the fastest way to kill themselves is?”

OK. That’s mean. But it’s simply an insult to Black’s ability to sing. Now, let’s see what happens when humanity gets thrown out the window. Gleisyluvayoux3 wrote: “i hope she gets a eating disorder and dies.”

Now, what’s surprising (other than a strange lack of egregious typos) is the fact that someone would wish death upon someone for making a song that the commenter chose to listen to.

Why, Gleisyluvayoux3? What has Rebecca Black done to you? Did she show up to school and hit on your big crush? Did she take your spot at the cafeteria table? Why do you wish such vengeance?

Let’s be fair here, Rebecca Black isn’t a recording artist and the producers, Ark Music Factory, isn’t what most people think of as a production company. It’s more of a vanity production company that makes music videos for people who are willing to pony up the money for it. You know, capitalism.

The awesome part is that, according to The Daily Beast, Black’s parents paid just a cool $2,000 to have the video recorded and produced. This, I think, is the most underlooked facet of this whole Internet phenomenon. There a company that will make you a professional-looking music video for $2,000 and put that thing up on iTunes. That’s really freaking awesome.

Yet, despite the fact that the girl’s intentions were innocent enough (she just wanted a cool music video, which I now also want) the Internet has to tear up her life, posting horrible things about her and for some reason, getting her class schedule to end up on Gawker.com. How is that even relevant?

There, are you happy now Internet? You’ve won. You’ve made me feel bad for Rebecca Black, who I should currently be wasting this space making fun of. Good job. Now show me more pictures of bacon.

Nick OMalley is a Collegian columnist. He can be reached at [email protected].