Adderall makes heart racing, blushing and giggles
Granted it eliminates any hint of the wiggles
Loss of appetite erases some of your jiggles
Increased intensity begins loud, angry quibbles

Physical violence is not good at all
So out from the RX comes Risperdal
Sure it’s for psychotics, but it’s the doctor’s call
And she says in no time I’ll behave like a doll

Back come those jiggles lost with the speed
And with it comes worries that begin to seed
And grow into a powerful, desperate need
For Valium in bulk like animal feed

Diazepam is its clinical name
I take it and become increasingly tame
And drowsy and silly; extreme laziness came
I always had to pee, which was a fun game

Lying around, unable to rise
Turns me into a person who just sits there and cries
In comes Welbutrin and with it the lies
That wellness will come to someone who tries

Life like a vegetable, not at all a go-getter
Doctors confused why I’m not getting better
Medical testing makes me a drug vetter
Becoming best friends with the blood letter

Insurance bills come, and oh for Pete’s sake
Pills make up most of my caloric intake
Uppers and downers, hard to stay awake
Weight of the world, about ready to break

Despite all the medicine making me tick
University says that I’m not really sick
Failing my classes but just need a kick
‘Cause the real world ain’t gonna buy my shtick

Orange bottles fill my recycling can
Can only wonder if there’d been a medicine ban
For a kid who just wanted to be Peter Pan
And suffered from a lack of attention span

Now I’m a junkie, though legal and clean
Add on top of it an addiction to caffeine
Get a crown for being prescription drug queen
I can’t help but think what it all means

For a whole generation jacked up on dope
It’s an answer for those who toe tap or mope
But in the end they have helped me cope
For better or worse, I’m not without hope

So through Celexa, Prozac, Paxil and Ritalin
Concerta, Cymbalta, Xanax and Klonopin,
Have helped and hurt through thick and thin
At the end of the day you just gotta grin

Because when things begin to go downhill
These medical cocktails give life some thrill
And I’ll keep trying and hoping and praying that still
Maybe, someday, all my problems will be fixed via pill.

There once was a writer named Knobloch
Whose columns wouldn’t stay under lock
So drop her a line, she’ll like it fine,
@student.umass.edu after vknobloc.