Your Majesty of Wintry Tidings Saint Nicholas,

I write thee in a state of prodigious discontent! I, Thor, spawn of mighty Odin and noble son of Asgard, have misplaced my enchanted hammer Mjolnir. ‘Twas in the frosty realms of Jotunheim battling frost giants whence I had seen it last, and I am now without the very source of my insurmountable power in the name of all that is good and just in all the nine realms. I hereby charge thee, bearded sire of the arctic pole, to summon your most gifted 11 blacksmith so as to construct for me another war hammer of similar might and crushing ability as my former mallet. Remember, son of Claus, that the material of said hammer must be forged of the mystical element Uru in order to properly augment the weapon’s maximum potentiality – should you be fresh out of Uru, consult your local dwarf’s workshop, posthaste!

Considering the egregious errors of spiritual continuity present in a Norse God’s request for material compensation in coordination with the celebration of the birth of Christ, I would remind your jovial fortitude of the dire circumstances of my writing to you in request of rearmament. Should the differences between my pagan mythological origins and your place in the diametrically opposed Christian tradition slow the gears of glorious warfare against all that is evil in this realm of existence? I say thee NAY!

Profoundly and without equivocation,

Thorlief Odinson

God of Thunder

Dear Santa,

This year you can defer my presents. If necessary, please send a check to me in any amount you see fit. I want to focus on our UMass campus.

Can you encourage young people from all communities to consider UMass as a great place to learn? Please ensure that no person feels excluded from our community.

Don’t send us any clothes, unless they are UMass Minutewomen and UMass Minutemen regalia.

Can you also work to bring back the Annual Freshman-Sophomore Rope Pull?

Thank you for all the help you generously bestowed to UMass in previous years, and thank you for spreading love and peace in the world.

Sincerely,

Eric Magazu

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas this year is to please my man. I try and I try but to no avail. A girl can only hear “make me a sandwich!” and “with waffle fries!” so many times before assuming that she isn’t living up to her beau’s expectations. I read Cosmopolitan Magazine religiously, but I can’t be certain it’s helping. I thought for sure the article “Weird Things he says he Hates but Secretly Craves” would solidify my spot as #1 girl, but instead he changed his Facebook relationship status to “Single.” That was probably just one of his buddies playing a joke, right? I think I’ll call him to ask, and then when he doesn’t answer, I’ll just shoot him 27 texts to be safe.

So anyway, do you think you can help? If not, what do you say you blow off work on the 24th and we go out for drinks instead of wasting what could be the best night of your life with that whole bringing-young-children-joy-nonsense?

Think about it,

Kate

Dear Santa,

For Christmas this year, all I really want is for the weather that keeps threatening to destroy/actually destroying my hometown (Wilbraham – it is right next to Springfield) to stop. No more tornados, microbursts, freak snowstorms, tropical storms, earthquakes, etc. Please talk to Mother Nature. I like my house.

Much appreciated,

Katie

Dear Santa,

For Christmas I want everyone to learn AP style, for BP3 to smile and for vacation to last a while.

Chris Shores

Dear Santa Claus,

I’ll be … seeing … you.

-Santa Claus

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is a good, solid Republican presidential candidate. Don’t get me wrong, this has been entertaining so far. But I want a real race, where someone is frontrunner for more than a week. The 2008 election was such a circus and by far the most entertaining thing on television. This is just sort of pathetic. I cried when the 2008 election ended, even though the guy I liked won. Then “Lost” ended and now there is nothing to obsess about.

So, yeah. Make Rick Perry legitimate again, or, bless her heart, Michele Bachmann, or throw some lipstick on Newt, anything to make this a real fight.

Also, making President Barack Obama more conservative does not count.

Bringing back “Lost” is also an option. No, I won’t get over it.

Love,

Tori

Dear Santa,

I don’t want anything for myself. Instead, I am choosing to nobly give my gift away to Eddie Hull and Tara Loomis. Please give them the gift of sharing (information in a timely manner, input from those who their decisions affect … do you really need me to go on?).

Thanks,

Alissa Mesibov

Dear Santa,

I want UMass to quit messing with me.

Sincerely,

Severely Disgruntled

Dear Santa,

I’d like a puppy.

Sincerely,

Ellie

Dear Santa,

I would like for Barney Frank, in his retirement, to start a sassy late night talk show. He can let lose all the silliness he kept pent up as a congressman. Rahm Emanuel should be a regular guest star, yelling and doing ballet. Dennis Kucinich can come too, as long as he wears a pink tie all the time.

Love,

Liberal politico nerds with admittedly no life.

Dear “Year Without a Santa Claus” version Santa,

For Christmas, I want a lot of things. I want an imperial stout so heavy that I have to eat it with a spoon. I want NBC to get its act together and get “Community” back on the air. I would like Antonio’s to deliver. Everywhere. I want the T to run at least until the bars close in Boston and stop being vastly inferior to the PVTA.

I also need some socks. And a jetpack. Because, as my Dad once said (while I wrote that sentence), “who couldn’t use a jet pack, when you really think about it?”

I want Chris Shores to get into a bar fight. I want Alyssa Creamer to do a cartwheel. I’d like to see Ellie Rulon-Miller and Herb Scribner to get in one of those American Gladiator pugil stick fights over a shark pit. I’d like Jay Asser to be riding one of the sharks.

With love and waffles,

Nick O’Malley

Collegian Ghost

Dear Santa,

For Christmas this year, it would be swell if news had enough content for the Back to School Issue. To help me out, just send an email to [email protected], and I will set you up with a story. Feel free to tell some other people about it too. I’ll take anyone.

Love,

Katie Landeck

Dear Collegian,

I hear some interesting things have been going on at the UMass campus. I may not be in a position to opine, but I hear that there’s been some occupying. Well, don’t worry, the elves are occupying the North Pole right now, so I feel ya. Also, new football coach? I don’t mean to be a popinjay, but that sounds like an interesting move.

Regardless, I see you’re sending me all these letters, and I admire your efforts. I know nothing about journalism. I don’t know what a clip is, or what a profile is, or how to write headlines. Color me clueless.

Still, I will work my hardest to get these gifts for you, as long as you all remain true, ethical, objective and balanced journalists. If you aren’t already, well, see ya later.

Love always, except if you suck,

Santa