Scrolling Headlines:

UMass women’s basketball suffers disappointing loss to St. Bonaventure at Mullins Center Thursday -

January 19, 2017

REPORT: Tom Masella out as defensive coordinator for UMass football -

January 19, 2017

Zach Lewis, bench carry UMass men’s basketball in win over St. Joe’s -

January 19, 2017

UMass women’s basketball handles Duquesne at home -

January 16, 2017

UMass men’s basketball’s late comeback falls short after blowing 15-point first-half lead -

January 15, 2017

UMass hockey outlasted at home against No. 6 UMass Lowell -

January 14, 2017

Hailey Leidel hits second buzzer beater of the season to give UMass women’s basketball win over Davidson -

January 13, 2017

UMass football hosts Maine at Fenway Park in 2017 -

January 12, 2017

UMass men’s basketball snaps losing streak and upsets Dayton Wednesday night at Mullins Center -

January 11, 2017

UMass women’s track and field takes second at Dartmouth Relays -

January 10, 2017

UMass hockey falls to No. 5 Boston University at Frozen Fenway -

January 8, 2017

UMass professor to make third appearance on ‘Jeopardy!’ -

January 8, 2017

UMass women’s basketball suffers brutal loss on road against Saint Joseph’s -

January 7, 2017

UMass men’s basketball drops thirds straight, falls to VCU 81-64 -

January 7, 2017

UMass men’s basketball drops tightly-contested conference matchup against George Mason Wednesday night -

January 4, 2017

Late-game defense preserves UMass women’s basketball’s win against rival Rhode Island -

January 4, 2017

AIC shuts out UMass hockey 3-0 at Mullins Center -

January 4, 2017

UMass professor to appear as contestant on ‘Jeopardy!’ Thursday night -

January 4, 2017

Penalties plague UMass hockey in Mariucci Classic championship game -

January 2, 2017

UMass men’s basketball falls in A-10 opener to St. Bonaventure and its veteran backcourt -

December 30, 2016

Memoirs of a parking attendant

Last year, I found summer employment in a large alligator mascot suit. Seeking further experience in the field of sweltering discomfort, this past summer I worked as a part-time parking lot attendant. On Friday, Saturday and Sunday, I covered the lunch breaks of the full-time attendants, who worked 12-hour shifts.

My shift was one-third as long but was perhaps the hottest because their lunches came around noon. I wore sunglasses, but more to hide my rolling eyes as customers, in air-conditioned cars chilled in mobile morgues lamenting about how ineffective their climate control worked against the sun. It’s like complaining to a eunuch that your condoms fit too tightly.

Incidentally, my boss offered his own son one of the full time positions. Despite being of the hardy European stock who boldly built our free market upon the ashes of tepees and moccasins, the son opted against a rare employment opportunity in a recession. An East African immigrant promptly filled the position. You never hear that sort of immigrant labor story on talk radio. But enough digression, into politically-charged polemic.

The average parking lot patron is an arrow-illiterate, pedal-smashing, foam-chinned SUV jockey who would be overwhelmed by the horsepower and acceleration of a big wheel. Each one is a lawyer who argues for the phantom constitutional right to keep and park cars. At will. Free of charge.

They stared at me with wounded expressions, gape-mouthed and vomiting incredulity at the charge indicated on a sign they passed before reaching me. They insisted that the charge was “new” whether it was my first day or my last week, that the lot was “always” free since Noah’s fabled ark came to rest on the sacred asphalt. They argued that residents “shouldn’t pay,” though the selectmen they elected disagreed.

Most people relented, perhaps grumbling a final protest as they grappled with their buttocks over control of their wallets. Patrons blur together in my memory because they all went through similar stages of grief in parting with the five dollar fee. The cretins to remember are the defiant ones. Each of them found a triumphant way to begin hours of futile searching for nonexistent free parking.

The first time I ever saw an Alfa Romeo sports car was the time one careened past my booth to flee a mere five dollar fee, which probably pays for more gas than it took for the car to enter and exit the lot. Sports car owners were paradoxically the cheapest people, often not bothering to stop while twirling a finger to indicate they were turning around or perhaps crazy.

My favorite of my least favorite non-patrons was the Hummer driver who flipped me off as he drove by. It was as if the very King of Jackasses unsheathed his sword to knight me into the Order of the Moron. Shame on him who thinks evil of it, indeed.

As His Majesty completed the quarter mile arc required to U-turn his leviathan, I gave him a curt wave farewell. I immensely preferred such encounters to end succinctly rather than with drawn out arguments. Others before him argued the illegality of charging the handicapped, the elderly, citizens of the town, patrons of local businesses or the chronically obese for services rendered.

I did have one pleasant experience half-way through my tenure. An elderly couple travelled a relatively long distance to stroll the boardwalk without knowing there was a charge. When I told them the lot wasn’t free, they were disappointed but refrained from petulant anger directed back at me. As they slowly turned around to leave, I decided to seize this singular moment to actually leave someone satisfied.

I ran after their car, waving my tickets until they stopped. Senior citizens of the town got free parking so I pretended they were locals and gave them a free ticket. They thanked me, and my heart grew three sizes.

I hoped recalling that happy time moment would soften my recollection of the whole experience, but I prefer to take a twofold lesson instead: stay in school until I’m more qualified than a ticket dispenser, and don’t emigrate to a wealthier country with a car fetish richer and more fetishist than my own.

Chris Amorosi is a Collegian columnist. He can be reached at camorosi@student.umass.edu.

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