Scrolling Headlines:

UMass women’s basketball suffers disappointing loss to St. Bonaventure at Mullins Center Thursday -

January 19, 2017

REPORT: Tom Masella out as defensive coordinator for UMass football -

January 19, 2017

Zach Lewis, bench carry UMass men’s basketball in win over St. Joe’s -

January 19, 2017

UMass women’s basketball handles Duquesne at home -

January 16, 2017

UMass men’s basketball’s late comeback falls short after blowing 15-point first-half lead -

January 15, 2017

UMass hockey outlasted at home against No. 6 UMass Lowell -

January 14, 2017

Hailey Leidel hits second buzzer beater of the season to give UMass women’s basketball win over Davidson -

January 13, 2017

UMass football hosts Maine at Fenway Park in 2017 -

January 12, 2017

UMass men’s basketball snaps losing streak and upsets Dayton Wednesday night at Mullins Center -

January 11, 2017

UMass women’s track and field takes second at Dartmouth Relays -

January 10, 2017

UMass hockey falls to No. 5 Boston University at Frozen Fenway -

January 8, 2017

UMass professor to make third appearance on ‘Jeopardy!’ -

January 8, 2017

UMass women’s basketball suffers brutal loss on road against Saint Joseph’s -

January 7, 2017

UMass men’s basketball drops thirds straight, falls to VCU 81-64 -

January 7, 2017

UMass men’s basketball drops tightly-contested conference matchup against George Mason Wednesday night -

January 4, 2017

Late-game defense preserves UMass women’s basketball’s win against rival Rhode Island -

January 4, 2017

AIC shuts out UMass hockey 3-0 at Mullins Center -

January 4, 2017

UMass professor to appear as contestant on ‘Jeopardy!’ Thursday night -

January 4, 2017

Penalties plague UMass hockey in Mariucci Classic championship game -

January 2, 2017

UMass men’s basketball falls in A-10 opener to St. Bonaventure and its veteran backcourt -

December 30, 2016

Time to remove the ranting rabble

Rants. I can’t stand them at all. Some blowhard has some uninformed opinion about some topic that nobody knows about – much less cares about – and just mouths off about it without even thinking things through. I just don’t understand what could possess someone to come up with one. Maybe a lifetime of armchair quarterbacking or yelling at the TV whenever the news is on.

I mean, come on, nobody wants to hear or read some uninformed person going on and on about one thing. People like stories and conflict and drama. Rants are fine for the Internet when nobody is listening. But some people like to rant about their pet peeves or unthinking political opinions or whatever idiotic shtick they have that week at parties. That’s just plain annoying, some dolt just emitting hot air without a single original thought. Run for office, buddy.

You know the type. Probably drink too much, smells like he hasn’t showered that week, works someplace that has no bearing on your life, but thinks he’s a big shot. Sad, really. Almost pitiful, but their ability to annoy you far outweighs their circumstances. If you are really unlucky, it can feel like only a very tenuous bond called “society“ is preventing you from strangling them right then and there. If they sound like Chris Matthews, your lawyer can use the “doing a service to humanity“ defense at your trial.

Thankfully, it’s autumn and that means football and basketball. Instead of harping on about everything, they’ll focus exclusively on those sports and we’ll enjoy some peace and quiet while they obsess over ESPN and Fox Sports most of the day. These two sports attract the most stupid, drunken, most annoying and smelliest sort of ranter. Simple games for simple minds, I guess. Not that everyone who enjoys football and basketball is a ranter. In fact, probably only about 10 percent of stupid, drunk, annoying and smelly football and basketball fans are ranters.

But the absolute worst thing about ranters is that when they blog, they cannot spell – a trait they share with another annoying group, bad fan fiction writers. No decent spelling at all. I suppose that‘s one of the problems with the Internet, not having editors, but it is also indicative of the ranter’s laziness. Most Internet browsers have some kind of spell check and it isn’t as if it’s too hard to make the effort to type “The Patriots were awesome Sunday! They dominated Tennesee!” instead of “teh Patz wuz good sinday!!!11!! tenisee sux111!!“

By the way, how many of you just went, “OMG. LOL!“ No reason, just asking.

Anyways, what can be done about this terrible social disease? Short of radical and immoral actions like internment or genocide, I mean. Well, in my view, the best thing we can do is ignore them. While many of them might not rant for any real reason, they do enjoy the attention. While it might be a while, ignoring a ranter will almost certainly result in them no longer ranting to you. The worst thing you can do to an annoying person is ignore them. I swear, if 100 million people ignored the most annoying government agencies (the Internal Revenue Service or the Department of Homeland Security, take your pick) eventually they’d have to give in. We could probably call it a revolution too, since the government would be doing something people actually want. Ignoring rants is bliss. Sorry.

Now, another way to stop ranters would be to subject them to the opposite of ranting: the boring story with no point. You know the type: a person with a monotone voice lists every single insignificant thing that has happened to them in the past 24 hours. “I got up at 6:28 a.m. because I had to use the bathroom, which was really a good thing because not only would I have slept in if I hadn’t gotten up I would have had stomach problems because the night before I ate corn because I forgot that corn gave me an upset stomach…“

I can barely type it, though I have unconsciously told stories like that before. But I have never ranted. Ever. Not in billions and billions of words spoken or written have I ever engaged in as sickening and self-important activity as ranting.

Once the boring people drive the ranters to silence through shear long-windedness, we will have the problem of a lot of boring people. The way to deal with them will be to cultivate our singing voices or any instrument and abandon prose for song. But the death of prose will be a topic for another column.

Matthew M. Robare is a Collegian columnist. He can be reached at mrobare@student.umass.edu.

Comments
2 Responses to “Time to remove the ranting rabble”
  1. muad'dib says:

    Speaking of pointless ranting, why is a pointless rant still rated the most popular article on the Collegian website?

  2. Pac Man says:

    For some reason, I don’t think Matthew quite understands that what he is complaining about is the purpose of the Ed/Op section.

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