Scrolling Headlines:

UMass football can’t overcome four third quarter Mississippi State touchdowns, fall 47-35 Saturday -

September 24, 2016

UMass football’s fourth quarter comeback attempt falls short against Mississippi State Saturday -

September 24, 2016

Cyr: Despite improvement, UMass football still can’t capture first marquee FBS win -

September 24, 2016

MassPIRG kicks off for the fall semester -

September 22, 2016

UMass Resistance Studies Initiative hosts activist and author George Lakey -

September 22, 2016

UMass field hockey readies for tough tests against Stanford, Boston College -

September 22, 2016

Calling the shots: everything you need to know about the flu vaccine -

September 22, 2016

UMass assistant Professor speaks about oppression of American Indians -

September 22, 2016

Astronomy department head hosting sundial and sky-watching event -

September 22, 2016

UMass football looks to pull off upset against Mississippi State Saturday -

September 22, 2016

Cyr: Comis? Ford? Here’s how I would handle the UMass quarterback situation this weekend against Mississippi State -

September 22, 2016

An unofficial presidential debate drinking game for the unruly masses -

September 22, 2016

Stop sweating the small stuff -

September 22, 2016

In defense of being uncomfortable -

September 22, 2016

Please go to sleep -

September 22, 2016

VIDEO – ‘Life in the Dollhouse: Wes Anderson and the Dollhouse Aesthetic’ -

September 22, 2016

Student struck by car near UMass’ Mullins Center -

September 21, 2016

President Anthony Vitale and Vice President Nick Rampone anticipate productive year at SGA -

September 21, 2016

Symposium hosts discussion on safety for journalism students -

September 21, 2016

Andrew Ford, Ross Comis still battling for UMass football’s starting QB position -

September 21, 2016

Garbage is our friend

Throughout the ages, the most economic and expedient method of trash disposal was to dump garbage no farther than one could heave, pour or excrete it. Yet the bottle-sorting liberal elite now argues that we must reduce, reuse and recycle our waste or face irreversible ecological damage. This is patent nonsense. Garbage represents many things for modern civilization, such as an appreciation of the past. The greater the garbage, the greater a civilization. Recycling is nothing less than historical revisionism, and environmentalists are the unabashed censors of our time.

The Egyptian government, presiding over perhaps the largest historical patrimony in the world, completed a mass pig culling in May of this year. Why pigs? The given reason was to fight swine flu, but there have been no cases of the flu in Egypt. However, pigs formed a part of the ad hoc garbage disposal system in major cities like Cairo and Alexandria. The pigs were kept by the Zabaleen, who were Christian garbage collectors. The Zabaleen would gather trash door to door, bring it to a dump and let the pigs eat the organic matter. Then they would eat the pigs. A system of insidious balance between the Muslims’ need for trash collection and the Zabaleen’s need for a cheap food source.

Garbage forms an integral part of archaeological preservation. Many long-inhabited cities in the Middle East sit upon tels, or hills, formed from packing ruins of former cities on the site with trash. This has the effect of smoothing out the ground and providing a flat location to build upon. Surely with the resilience of our modern plastics, which take tens of thousands of years to break down, we can build foundations for indestructible cities.

Fortunately, the streets of Cairo have quickly filled with garbage since May. Without pigs to feed and subsequently eat, the Zabaleen have no more incentive to collect what they cannot use. The Egyptian government, with a characteristic desire to protect antiquities from the past and future, bickers with an international garbage disposal firm, and nothing gets done. At last Egypt maintains a truly sustainable history.

There is a staggering number of applications for the great heaps of garbage in Cairo. They need only travel a few miles to find the Great Pyramid and Sphinx at Giza. Both structures have been exposed to the harsh elements for thousands of years. The lost nose of the Sphinx, often lampooned in popular culture, and the blunted tops of the pyramids are some examples of damage. Clearly the only solution is to coat the structures with a protective layer of filth.

In this economy, we should be more concerned with preserving sites of historical importance than keeping them open but underfunded. Nuclear waste disposal has the potential to make sites of supreme importance sacrosanct for millennia. Why bury it in obscure mountains when we can cordon off our graveyards and memorials with the warm grip of radioactive death?

If whales and dolphins are destined to die from intentional or accidental encounters with fishermen, then should we not encase a few examples within plastic garbage dumped into the sea? Millions of years from now, evolved post-human life forms will dig up the fossils and marvel at our forethought.

American college dorms will be among the best preserved structures in the world. At UMass in particular I have seen a great amount of preservation work along the footpaths on campus and floating in the pond with the ducks. In fact, there is a pile of reeking garbage down the hall from my apartment in North Residential Area.

I dream of the day when the Great Pyramid’s apex acts as a low garbage mark – the day I can stand face to face with Lady Liberty without the aid of a helicopter.

Environmentalists would have us wait for the extraordinary fortune of the Pompeiians, with their city buried under natural volcanic ash and choked with soot. Instead, let us embrace the staggering size of waste we produce and put it to use. So pull our garbage bags up by the tie straps, empty it on the very spot upon which we stand, and litter for posterity’s sake.

Chris Amorosi is a Collegian columnist. He can be reached at camorosi@student.umass.edu.

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