August 27, 2014

Scrolling Headlines:

UMass crime alerts reveal reports of lewd acts -

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UMass women’s soccer hopes added depth brings more consistency in 2014 -

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UMass mourns death of alumnus and journalist James Foley -

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Kassan Messiah, Trey Seals to shoulder pass rushing responsibility for UMass football -

Thursday, August 21, 2014

UMass names Blake Frohnapfel as the starting quarterback -

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Decision looms for Mark Whipple as UMass football looks to name starting quarterback -

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Former UMass star Marcel Shipp overseeing a strong running back competition -

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Former UMass basketball star Chaz Williams signs professional contract in Turkey, still eyeing NBA career -

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Minutemen anxious to display aggressive defense -

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UMass football turns the page, excited for 2014 season -

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UMass student struck and killed by vehicle Thursday night -

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UMass receives anonymous $10.3 million gift -

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UMass football summer coverage 2014 -

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Chiarelli: Sam Koch’s impact evident in those who knew him best -

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Longtime UMass men’s soccer coach Sam Koch dies after two-year battle with sinus cancer -

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Southwest evacuated after gas leak -

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

UMass Rowing finishes NCAA Championships, ends year ranked No. 21 in the nation -

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Two UMass basketball alums to compete for a lofty prize in The Basketball Tournament -

Friday, May 23, 2014

Commencement Photos 2014 -

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Two arrested in relation to series of vandalism -

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Bad romance

I am tired of most things in our “progressive” culture today – and I’m not just talking about the “Let’s have government solve all of our problems” warpath our expert NCAA basketball bracket-picking president is on.

Specifically, one of the biggest problems keeping me tossing and turning at night is the seemingly ridiculous, dumb phenomenon that has become mainstream in recent years: casual “hookups.” Of course, this situation is not exclusive to our campus here at the University of Massachusetts, it is seemingly present at every college and high school around the United States these days.

This culture of people “hooking up” with others whom they are not dating or, God forbid, married to drives me crazy for a few reasons. The first is how unattractive and degrading it is for women, but that is just me. That’s not what I want to talk about. What I want to talk about is what it means for where our society is headed. When my parents were my age, it was not commonplace for people to “hookup” with one another without dating. In their crazy world, the norm was for people to date and then, if after dating for a period of time a couple decided they liked each other, they might have engaged in “hooking up” before marriage. But somewhere along the line during the past 20 years, men were apparently successful in creating a culture where the norm became hooking up with someone for a period of time and then, if you like the hookups, consider dating.

I want to be clear about something, particularly to my female counterparts. Hooking up with someone without dating them is not a winning strategy for forming a long-term romantic relationship. Most guys are just not going to respect a girl they are casually hooking up with enough to enter into a romantic relationship with them. The reason they are hooking up casually with girls is because they only want to be hooking up casually with girls. If they intended to date the girl they are hooking up with, they would’ve already asked the girl out on a date.

I think a common question among girls my age is why they haven’t been asked out on dates. Why are they single? Many girls seem to have just convinced themselves that “dating is dead” or “people just don’t date anymore.” I can tell all the girls who feel this way why they are never asked out on dates – guys no longer have to do this to get what they want on a Friday night. Girls have enabled men to hookup with them casually, no strings attached.

I say girls have enabled this because they engage in the behavior of hooking up casually, too. If girls want relationships over casual hookups, they simply shouldn’t enable guys to hookup with them without being committed.

Why would a guy ask a girl he could casually hookup with on a date? What is the benefit of dating for a college-aged male in this situation? Getting to know her, too? I don’t think getting to know someone is high on a guy’s priority list on a Friday night. Casual hookups probably are, though.

I was watching a show on MTV the other day entitled, “True Life: I Have a Friend with Benefits.” For those who don’t know, “friends with benefits” are people who are allegedly friends, but cross the lines of a standard friendship by hooking up. This classic episode of “True Life” documented how poorly these relationships work. It showed the girls in these relationships crying at the end because they were so devastated that the friends-with-benefits relationship wasn’t going to turn into a long-term romantic one. The guys in the show rejected them.

Girls know that friends-with-benefits relationships don’t end well for them, yet still practice the behaviors they know are doomed to fail.

I’m just tired of girls complaining about a problem that they themselves are causing. “Am I ever going to find someone?” It’s ridiculous. No, it is highly unlikely you will find someone while engaging in casual hookup behavior. It’s like a fat man eating a Big Mac, fries and a liter of Coke at McDonald’s, then complaining about his weight. You are causing the problem my friend. You can only solve the problem by disengaging from this behavior.

I hate to single out girls for this issue, but they are the problem. This “casual hookup” scenario is not a problem from a guy’s perspective. Hooking up with girls without having to put forth any effort? It would have sounded like a paradise fantasy world for guys 50 years ago. Guys don’t want to change this situation; they want to keep it going. If girls are waiting around for guys to step up to the plate, they are also probably waiting for Kansas to cut down the nets in the Final Four.

The way to stop our culture from regressing to the point where no one ever bothers to get married anymore is for women to stop praising behavior found in shows like “Sex and the City.” Girls should start conducting themselves like rational human beings. Stop becoming friends with benefits. Stop casually hooking up with guys when you binge drink on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. Only when this occurs will our country be able to revive a culture of dating. Until then, I don’t want girls who casually hookup with guys to complain about being single, or ask why guys are not asking them out on dates.

Get your act together, or you girls will continue to stare at that “single” status on Facebook.

Alex Perry is a Collegian columnist. He can be reached at amperry@student.umass.edu.

Comments
80 Responses to “Bad romance”
  1. mack says:

    Folks, google the word “neuroscience”

    And I like to think we all have enough knowledge of human anatomy to understand that hormones are more complex than what the opening paragraph of a wikipedia article has to say about them.

    or,

    I guess we can chalk Mr. Perry’s attitude up to his wily male hormones. The testosterone! THE RAGE! Ladies, ease up on those misogynists! They can’t help it. They’re at the mercy of their biological fate.

  2. muad'dib says:

    The *really* hilarious thing is that today’s so-called rampant “hook-up culture” is actually prudish and repressed compared to the ’60s and ’70s, when “Free Love” meant walking up to someone and asking them, “Hey, wanna do it?”.

  3. hannah says:

    Dear Alex,

    This article lacks style, with regards to your writing as well as your views on men, women and how they ought to relate to each other. Because, this might be news to you, there is no ‘ought to’.

    I am one of the women who don’t do ‘hooking up’. I’m just not into it. But neither am I into your line of reasoning. Where can I start?

    a) ‘Respect’ and ‘sex’ are not mutually exclusive. If you don’t have the one, you’re unlikely to get the other. (You may want to write that down for future reference.) Women are not responsible for what you think of them. It’s you who does the thinking. Hopefully.
    b) Just because some women do not want casual sex, it does not follow that all women ought to stop having some. This, however, is what your article implies. It is your responsibility to set out the terms on which you are relating to another person. See it as a contract: If you want sex but no relationship, speak up. If your and your partner’s terms disagree, get out.
    c) You’re doing men a disservice. You’re implying they are shallow, sex-driven, unethical creatures whose sexuality has be reigned in in order not to cause irreparable damage. You’re doing women a disservice. You’re placing the onus on us. So not only are we responsible for our own sexuality, we’re responsible for yours as well?

    Dear Alex, your logic is flawed. My brilliant fellow commenters have pointed that out at length. I hope you know why.

    However, if living in a ‘casual hook-up culture’ on American campuses and if you see the morals of your country going to the dogs (and thus your prospects of dating some inexperienced lady), you’re invited to swap universities with me. It might not be as prestigious, but at least here in Europe, we don’t do such things as ‘hook up’. We just have casual sex.

  4. hannah says:

    Argh. The thinkfasterthanyoutype-monster has eaten my words! Of course, I meant to say: “However, if living in a ‘casual hook-up culture’ on American campuses causes you sleepless nightsand if you see the morals of your country going to the dogs…”

  5. convexed says:

    Ok, Ed, but women also come equipped with intelligence, reason, and the capacity for self-determination. It’s convenient for men to claim to be ‘slaves to hormones’, or a biological imperative to ‘spread the seed’. It’s convenient because it evades the questions of interacting responsibly and considerately with other people. However, studies do not support that the presence of either oxytocin or vaginal muscles overwhelms a woman’s capacity to make informed decisions and accept their outcomes. Make excuses for yourself if you must, but don’t make assumptions about others.
    One reason oxytocin is so associated with women (though levels are raised in men during sexual arousal as well) is because many studies concerning sexual response/arousal intend to clarify the way we understand female sexuality, which is widely misunderstood and dismissed (need proof? read this post and its comments). The comparative lack of numbers/data regarding men and oxytocin is a result of lack of pursuit of this numbers and data. Without further study, it’s unreasonable to extrapolate an entire theory of female sexuality based on the words ‘oxytocin’ and ‘vaginal muscles’. All you’ve proved is that you are not interested in a conversation. You and some others on this board are interested in perpetuated uninforme and irresponsible views, and are getting pissy about being challenged.
    Really, if you think complex questions about human behavior can be answered by smacking a ruler at an anatomy chart, you are truly old-school stupid.
    Women are more than vaginas and sniffly hormones. Human sexuality is more complicated than hormones and ice cream parlors. Sorry if that’s bad news, Ed and others.

  6. Kate says:

    Having read through all of these comments I have noticed that there is one group, which is in fact being tageted, that has not said anything.

    Allow me to give you my individual perspective as a woman being targeted by this article:

    I’m 20 years old, single, and I engage in casual sex. Oh, and I want a boyfriend.

    Congrats to those women who want a strong career, who have their dreams that are seperate from men. I think that’s wonderful and sometimes I’ve wished I was one of them. But I am not. My life goal? Get married. Have babies. Live off of my husband. I want to live on a vineyard in France or Italy. Multiple vacation homes, a yacht, an island. Ohh yes… I’m one of THOSE women -sorry, girls.

    I’m one of those “girls” who has casual hook ups and then whines and complains about my lack of a relationship.

    Here’s the thing, as Y pointed out earlier, I like sex and I want a relationship, but they don’t always have to connect. You see, if I casually hook up on a Friday, I don’t expect him to call me next Friday and ask for a date. If he calls again, I’m expecting it to be a “booty call.” And I happen to be perfectly fine with that. As a matter of fact if I text a guy on a Thursday, Friday, or Saturday night it is absolutely because I am horny and he is an option that I’m considering, not that I want to hook up with him in order to emotionally connect and develop a relationship.

    I love sex. I love hook ups. I love men. Those are the facts of my life.

    I go to parties looking for a hook up, not a relationship. I don’t expect to find my soulmate while waiting in line to do a keg stand. I don’t expect to meet that filthy rich, charming, driven, drop dead gorgeous, sensitive man-I-will-marry while slapping the bag. No. I expect to find someone I’m attracted to who will “get me off.” Because I am extremely horny all the time. And to be honest I haven’t once thought that I would want to date the men I’ve hooked up with. I’ve thought they were nice, I’ve thought they were cool, I’ve thought that I would love to hang out with them again. But never have I stopped and considered one as someone I want to be with.

    But I also want a boyfriend and lament that I haven’t connected with anyone. Women know that there are other places to look, and I do look in other places. Actually the best advice is to stop looking, and it does work well for me, but alas I am in a panick and can’t stop myself from looking. So I will continue to cry abount the lack of decent men. Just realize it has nothing to do with the men I’m hooking up with casually. Because to be honest, I’m just using those guys to get off until I find the man I want to settle down with. Just like they’re using me for the same thing: sex. And that is perfectly fine in my book. It doesn’t mean that men don’t respect me or that I don’t respect men. I do respect them otherwise I wouldn’t hook up with them. There has to be attraction, physical chemistry for me, and respect plays into that. It just means we have common needs that need to be satiated.

    So yes, I am single, experienced in the casual hook up, and whine about not having a boyfriend, as do many of my friends. However it is not my fault that I haven’t met anyone yet. I just haven’t met the right person for me. There have been no men thus far in the year that I have been interested in as more than something casual. Three of my best friends met their current long term boyfriends by way of casual hook ups. But I don’t expect it to happen to me. I’m always surprised when a guy that I’ve hooked up with texts me for lunch or dinner. It’s a pleasant surprise, of course, but to be honest it always throws me off a little. Actually, to be honest it scares me off a bit.

    Also, I do have male friends who do engage in casual sex and then wonder why the girls aren’t interested in more. I was hooking up with a guy last semester who wanted to get more serious but I turned him down. Males experience the same problems as women, it’s just less known because there is this pressure in society to maintain that emotional distance from women.

    I’m not sure what that says about our society today, but I don’t see the casual hook up and lamenting singlehood as a huge problem. It is absolutely true that some women think sex will lead to relationships. But I feel as though the majority of women who are single and want boyfriends engage in casual hook ups because… they’re horny. And sex feels amazing. Why should we suffer through our droughts when, as you’ve said, “men were apparently successful in creating a culture where the norm became hooking up with someone.”

    Thanks for the advice on cleaning up our act and to stop being sluts. I’m sure some girls somewhere will appreciate it. But I’ll be keeping my slut card in my wallet and having some fun while I wait for the “right one.” What is life without pleasure?

    p.s. it is a bit sexist to say that women are not respected for sleeping around while it is perfectly fine for men to do so. Sex is sex is sex. If you don’t like women with large numbers I expect your number to be small as well. Sexual prowess shouldn’t play into respect, if it does you are shallow. How a person treats those he’s with, sexually in this discussion but in general as well, should help dtermine respect levels.

  7. gh says:

    wow alex, you’re an ignorant pig who clearly likes stirring up some drama and sadly i’m feeding right into it. to blame females for this “hook-up epidemic” is one of the most absurd arguments i have ever heard. funny thing, i was never looking for a serious relationship when i casually hooked up with guys in my past… i simply did it for pleasure and fun. many of the guys i thought i was just having fun with would ask me out on serious dates. over two years ago i started to casually hook up with a guy and we ended up liking each other and we are still together to this day as official boyfriend and girlfriend. most people i know who have boyfriends started their relationship by hooking up casually. just because a girl has sex with a guy doesn’t mean he won’t respect her.

    pretty much what i’m trying to say is that you sound like a miserable, sexist idiot and deserve a slap across the face.

  8. ArthasDK says:

    Hmm well I am curious as to why my original comment posted on 3/25 was never posted. It seems that the overwhelming majority of comments posted on here simply trash the author’s opinion or denounce his opinion. I posted a thoughtful comment that agreed with his point of view and my comment was never published. I’m not sure if this should attributed to the editors simply being busy (though comments posted after 3/25 have been added), or the fact that my viewpoint is contrary to what is popular.

  9. ArthasDK,

    Please see the e-mail we sent to the address you gave when posting the comment.

    There were only three or so short, one-sentence comments on this article that were not approved because they did not adhere to our comment policy. None of those comments were authored with the same user name and/or e-mail address, so we would imagine there was some sort of technical glitch that did not allow the comment to get through. We apologize for whatever the problem was and for the inconvenience, but we encourage you to resubmit your comment.

    Thanks,
    -Matt Rocheleau
    Managing Editor

  10. ArthasDK says:

    This article summarizes exactly how I feel. The author did not suggest that ALL women ONLY want to get married or be in serious relationships, he just noticed that the women complaining about being single – the ones who say they want a ‘serious’ relationship -tend to be the ones who are so desperate for attention that they will lower their standards and participate in one night stands or FWB relationships in the hopes that it will turn into something more.

    I am a young woman, just graduated college, and I will tell you that I have witnessed this kind of behavior from many of my female peers, both those in college and those who were not. This behavior transcends geographical region, race, backgrounds, and educational levels.

    This author is correct: if you want to be in a serious relationship, don’t engage in behaviors that are inconsistent with your claim and that will turn potential partners off from dating you. I personally think that promiscuity is the #1 turn off and its NEVER cute, whether you are a man or a woman. Honestly, if you are sleeping around or have a FWB then meet a potential partner, he is not going to think of you as someone he can build a life with.

    If you like doing the casual sex thing and don’t want a relationship, then good for you – this article is irrelevant, but don’t get mad at the author for speaking his mind, and pointing out a trend he has witnessed. I have always found that the individuals who claim that they are “progressive” or “liberal” and proclaim to be are accepting or tolerant of other’s viewpoints are in fact the ones who are the most closed-minded, and won’t even listen to opinions from the other side. THAT, and their assumption that everyone else must accept their lifestyle choices is the biggest problem with society today.

    Bottom line is this: it’s all about personal choice, but make sure that you are not making poor choices that set you up for failure and ALWAYS be smart about what you are doing, whether its casual sex or sex within a committed relationship.

  11. Jack K says:

    Dude,

    There are two obvious flaws about publishing this:

    (1) It’s ignorant as all shit.

    (2) It is poorly written.

    Editors of Collegian, I KNOW that you are more intelligent than publishing this trash. You want controversy, you want to publish opinions that might incite the liberal mindset on the campus, you want reaction. Blah blah blah. I get it. The Fox News et. al. model has seeped into the very nature of the quality of your publication.

    But publishing a blatantly sexist column is moving the discourse in the wrong direction. Let’s examine a single claim from this cluster-fuck of barely articulate sentences to examine the inanity of the piece: “I hate to single out girls for this issue, but they are the problem.”

    My visceral reaction to this is, dude, fuck you.

    I think that argument is on about the same level as the article, but as we are trying to transcend the logic within which this piece was written, I’ll have to bear the burden of being articulate:

    (1) You haven’t identified a problem. You have reiterated conservative propaganda repackaged as an opinion in attempts for immunity against your argument. Too bad – you’re not immune. Your argument, which I endeavored to find, which is weak, which gives me indigestion, seems to be this:

    (claim) a). Many women in college (you use the word “girls,” sexist language) have casual sex.
    (claim) b) Many women in college want a steady relationship.
    c) But because of (a), men don’t respect women.
    Therefore,
    d) Women will not achieve (b) because of their own actions.

    Let’s deconstruct that. Neither of your claims are substantial. Your generalizations don’t really tell us anything. An utterance such as “Most men where pajamas” doesn’t really mean anything – we can surmise that some men where pajamas, and some don’t, but without quantitative research, we won’t really know. You’re holding a pile of sand and telling us it is clay.

    But that’s not the issue. Let’s grant (a) and (b), though as they are coming from a man, whose epistemological perspective, especially in this instance, can’t justify claims made about women’s desires, lacks any sort of objective interpretation of social reality.

    The issue is claim (c). The logic of this claim resides in systems of power that have ruled Western civilization until very recently. The claim reflects phallocentric logic: women are supposed to fit into a mold of sexual respectability that in order to please men; anything but a tamed sexual nature is deviant from the phallocentric mold; deviating from the mold therefore challenges man’s dominant power. I argue that your claim (c) is merely a rehashed piece of propaganda of some pre-modern sensibility that argues prima facie for the superiority of men. We’re WAY past that, and WAY past delimiting women and women’s sexuality to some Other realm.

    It’s also a logical fallacy – don’t you dare say that ALL men don’t respect women; just because you’re a sexist doesn’t mean the rest of us are.

    (2) You contradict your conclusion (your conclusion being “Women are the problem surrounding the hook up culture). You write, earlier in the article, “But somewhere along the line during the past 20 years, MEN were apparently successful in creating a culture where the norm became hooking up with someone for a period of time and then, if you like the hookups, consider dating.” That points, directly, at men as the problem of your grievance (your grievance being our hook-up culture); you say they are the originators of the culture. It’s right there, in your article! YOU wrote that! Do you understand? It means the rest of your article was a piece of sexist flare attached to a bumbling and confused contradictory beginning.

    To the Editors: please, for God’s sake, stop publishing all this Goddamn bullshit, form reflecting content (to be explicit: shit reflecting shit), and give me something good to read.

    –Jack

  12. Not Impressed says:

    If it weren’t absolutely clear that the author of this article is a complete moron, I might be offended. How about we talk about how men make women think they are interested in a relationship, use them for sex, and then run in the other direction as soon as the word “commitment” is brought up? Wait, is that offensive? Sorry, I thought we were playing the “make broad, ignorant statements about all members of one sex” game.

    So Alex Perry, what’s your real problem? I think you might be a bit insecure because you’re not as comfortable with your sexuality as the “sluts” you’re pointing fingers at. Oh, and writing an article in the Collegian that calls out all sexually liberated women because you can’t get laid isn’t going to alleviate that problem. Maybe you should think about what your end goal is before you alienate women entirely with your misguided, judgemental words. I hope every woman you ever try to date from now on Googles your name and finds this article, then never returns your phone calls after that.

  13. The Detective in the Mirror says:

    Maybe it would be wise for some of those arguing against this man to reflect on themselves, assuming that sexism is conservatism and other stereotypical practices. I know if given the same conditions as men had back in the day over women they would be equally oppressive, so get off your high horses.

  14. cdj says:

    When I was a single female, one who does not participate in casual hook-ups, I had difficulty finding a decent man to be in a committed relationship with, not because I was participating in casual hook-ups and men didn’t respect me, but because that’s what a lot of men were looking for. Don’t get me wrong, if that’s what men want, they should go for it, albeit respectfully. However, women should have the same right and respect when they also choose to go out and have casual sex if they so choose. This article seems to assume that all women having casual sex are lowering their standards or are desperate, when it seems to me that a lot of women who participate in casual sex seem to simply enjoy sex and enjoy it with people who they do not necessarily find attractive for relationships. To assume that this “hook-up culture” rests squarely on the shoulders of women and is not the fault of both parties is preposterous. It seems that this article assumes that men can not help their sexual appetite. I will agree, perhaps humans can not control HAVING a sexual appetite, however every natural instinct can be controlled, anorexia is a horrible example of that. I find this article insulting to men as well by assuming that all men are only motivated by sexual pleasure. The casual sex culture is completely separate from committed relationships. Going by your assumption (which I do not agree with) that all men are motivated solely by physical gratification, then if women stopped having casual sex, men would only be motivated to be in relationships in order to gain physical pleasure. These are not the kind of committed relationships many people would want anyway.
    Also, I find it ironic that you named this article after a song by a very sexually liberated woman while you seem to be against them.

  15. michelle says:

    eh i blame society for creating this idea that “if you just try hard enough and stick with it long enough, that guy you’re screwing will eventually fall for you”. as a woman who enjoys hooking up for the sake of hooking up, i’m annoyed by all these women who’ve been duped into thinking f*cking equals a relationship. i’ve been seeing a guy for a couple months, and we’ve both been clear about what we wanted out of the relationship from the get go. i didn’t have some secret agenda to lure him in to dating me, and our relationship is much more fulfilling because i know he cares about me and not just getting laid

    just my two cents

  16. Janet says:

    this is shameful. i’m not a umass alum and don’t have strong opinions on the school, but this reflects very, very poorly — not because it’s something that i disagree with (although lord knows that’s true) but because it’s simply uninformed and not good journalism. embarrassing.

  17. Brandon says:

    Janet, I do attend UMass and I do not have a very strong opinion about the school, but I would certainly appreciate a sincere effort to refrain lumping the University into a category from an article expressing the opinion of a small minority. Conservatives exist at every level of education and at any university.

  18. JK says:

    I don’t see why anyone should have a problem with this article. I am a woman, and I am not offended whatsoever.

    If you have a problem with what Alex is saying, you are completely disregarding the population of people in which he is speaking about and to. Alex is directing this article towards ONE group of people, not the entire population of females. This group of people is the women who think they can hook-up their way into a guy’s heart. He is simply stating that this is NOT the way to do it, and it is unfortunate that that some girls just don’t get it.

    If your a woman and like to have casual sex, then good for you. This article is of no interest to you, because it does not apply to you. You women who talk about going to parties and texting guys because you are “horny and want to hookup” are the reason why girls with morals and self-respect are viewed as being prude. As a woman who has never had sex out of a relationship, I have been called a tease, prude, etc. It is unfortunate that having sex with someone that you have just met or have been talking to for a short amount of time has become so accepted, and expected, that not sleeping around is viewed as out-of-the-norm. Your prince charming isn’t going to give you a second look when he finds out all you want is dick when you get drunk of a Friday night. I am pretty sure that any male that has commented on this article would say that they would be much more interested in dating a girl who has sex with 2 men over 20.
    Therefore, don’t bother commenting on this article saying you causally hook-up all the time and have no problem with it. Good for you. This is for the ones who hook-up and are still having problems.

  19. muffinman says:

    Whad up patriarchy? :-/

  20. wtf says:

    I am a woman who, like others, has participated in many casual hook-ups but am still looking for a relationship. Just because I hook-up with someone does not mean I want to date them–usually that is not true at all.
    I was recently in a “FWB” relationship and was fine with how everything was going and did not desire a relationship with this person at all. The only problem I had was when he started talking to me every day and acting like we we something more than “FWB.” This was misleading and confusing and left me hurt in the end when he went stopped “caring.” Basically, YOU CAN’T HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO. If a guy is going to use a girl for sex, he should not try and have the benefit of having a relationship with her too and then claim there was no “commitment” when he gets bored. If guys were always respectful and honest with girls, this would not be a problem. Just because I don’t want a relationship, doesn’t mean I don’t want respect. End of story.

  21. Brandon says:

    “If guys were always respectful and honest with girls, this would not be a problem. ”

    It applies both ways.

    ” Just because I don’t want a relationship, doesn’t mean I don’t want respect.”

    If you want respect, I suggest you seek refuge outside of casual hook-ups where it is often the male’s primary interest to get laid and hence is much more interested in viewing you as an object of desire rather than a future businesswoman, doctor, or an organism that possesses emotions and feelings.

    A FWB can be a more complicated example, on the otherhand, and it’s difficult to argue a case without being clouded by hurt emotions. Perhaps, in the example of your recent FWB, the male was put off by your conservative behavior in regard to expressing feelings or emotions. And perhaps when there was a spark of interest, it came too little too late; the guy had already moved on. It’s difficult to argue whether or not he respected you, but if he displayed feelings for you, perhaps to him it was a bit more fueled by an interest in you and not the sex.

  22. anne says:

    Alex,
    while i understand your points i think it is unfair to blame women completely. Women are not the only ones saying yes to random “hook ups” Guys say yes to it too. What happened to the Gentlemen that used to live in the world? As much as women need to control themselves and make wise choices, so do men. Sex takes two people and therefore it must be blamed on both of the genders for its corruption. While women have to stop giving in to hook ups, guys should stop expecting it and stop trying to have casual hook ups. I know very few girls that go out on the weekends, or any night for that matter looking for a hook up. But I do know many guys that go out looking for just that! So it can’t be blamed on just women. Both men and women need to take responsibility!

  23. Ken Burns says:

    i definitely blame females; they scoot around town with their big butts overflowing from black tights and a sour countenance that says, “hey, look at me: I’m just that confident you like my fat ass.” Its truly unfortunate that female independence is characterized with such polarity in either one of the following ways:
    a.) being an arrogant and lifeless broad strutting around with oversized bag, sunglasses, ipod and ass.

    b.) engaging in that other gross indulgence of vanity which I like to call “Rag-Doll Lesbianism.”

  24. wtf says:

    Brandon–

    Respect for human dignity should not have conditions attached to it. Everyone deserves it, all the time, and I don’t think there is any excuse not to treat another person this way. It is the very least that a person deserves.

  25. Dan says:

    I have just one question:

    Who said there was anything “progressive” about hookups?

  26. Dan says:

    Also, let me see if I can summarize the “logic” of this column:

    “Men are just naturally interested in sex and sex alone, so it’s up to women to lure them into a relationship. If there are not enough relationships in the world, that must be women’s fault, because women are responsible for making relationships happen – men just want to fuck, and they should not be expected to look for commitment of their own accord. Therefore, women must make themselves pleasing to men.”

    Congrats, Alex, you’ve managed to degrade BOTH genders in one single poorly-written essay.

  27. sally says:

    Alex, you are in fact, the most unintelligent published university columnist i have ever heard. I am embarrassed to share the same campus as you. I regard this in not only this article, but many more including your 4/20 article this Spring 2010.

    You lack any sort of journalistic style. You lack ethics or common sense. It is important for you to not take out your own biterness regarding your personal life in your columns. Be a professional. Act as a journalist.

    You embarrass the University of Massachusetts and the majority of students attending. It is a false generalization to place the blame on all of female society in this scenario. For one, you might simply be looking around your immediate environment to make this call on all of university life and female behavior. In your argument, you overlook completely the blame on outlets that share the same qualities as your own. The media. You are a journalism student, are you not? If anything, you work for the Daily Collegian – and have a responsibility to regard journalistic ethics, accuracy, adequate research. You attend UMass Amherst, do you not? Have you not studied the media? Understanding its effects? You have obviously watched True Life on MTV, as your shallow, un-researched, completely self-interested and oblivious article tells. Have you seen the Jersey Shore? Real World? Real Word Road Rules Challenge? The Bachelor and its Fantasy Suite finale? Rock of Love? Every single movie with a sex scene? Mr. and Mrs. Smith and the genre of sexual violence?

    BUT, mind you, it’s our fault. Us Women. Part of me considered posting my name marauding as a male, simply to sell my point effectively. I realized how much more I would be listened to and taken into consideration if I was a Mike or a Frank. However, I realized the norm I’d be conforming to, the acceptance that your pathetic propaganda sells. At least learn to write in a way that persuades. Because this article is nothing more than a joke.

  28. Brian says:

    men that are “decent” do not want a relationship with someone who has had multiple “hookups” inthe past

  29. Gavin Beeker says:

    Dear Kate,

    Your post was fantastic. I think THAT should be the editorial on contemporary sexual norms. If anything, Mr. Perry’s post highlights the unfortunate stereotype of all men as sex machines. While that may be true of a certain segment, as usual, the truth is somewhat more complex, and much more interesting. But good for Mr. Perry for at least bringing it up; I’m really enjoying the debate in the comments section.

  30. Amanda says:

    I am sooooo writing an letter to the editor concerning this article. Quick to blame girls (and by girls you must means women… or maybe not because you come off as a chauvinist pig in this article)… Has it ever occured to you that women want to have sex with no strings attached? Or God forbid, maybe guys whine about not being in a relationship too. My friend posted this article on facebook saying, “This guy needs to get laid.” I think you need a bitch slap of reality and get off that high horse you rode into Umass on.

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