By Brick Tamland, Channel Four News.

Hi! I’m Brick Tamland from Channel Four News. I’m here to talk about evolution.

There’s a lot of controversy out there about whether or not we evolved with the dinosaurs. But I love dinosaurs. The T-Rex is my favorite animal. And besides, pterodactyl tastes amazing. How can you hate dinosaurs? They are so cute and cuddly, and I just want to eat them all up.

I am being told now that the real argument is about monkeys. Many of my best friends are monkeys and anyone who insults monkeys is assaulting me. I love my monkey friends. Me and them are tight.

I mean if you can’t love, how can you evolve with anyone? Evolving is God’s greatest gift to mankind, right besides the lamp. How could I illuminate anything without my lamp? But you should always use protection when evolving. You don’t want to get a nasty infection from not evolving with caution.

Speaking of caution I recently discovered that you should never stick silverware into a toaster to try and get that last bit of mayonnaise. Seriously, it stings. Instead, you should try using plastic ware. I recommend the spork. It’s got great shape and can be used as both a spoon and a knife. Amazing.

But I would never recommend using a spork as a weapon. Good weapons include lead pipes, tridents, hand grenades, ninja stars and pens. I learned that last one the hard way when I stabbed myself with my pen while writing this column.

My editor is telling me that I have gone off topic. Back to safe evolution. Remember guys, never evolve with someone you don’t know or trust. But if a stranger offers you candy from a white van, it’s usually okay. My uncle gives out free candy every Saturday on College Street.

My favorite candy is watermelon Jolly Ranchers. They taste so good. And if you combine them with peanut butter it is the best thing ever. Plus, candy is a great way to get to know people. People love it when you hand out candy like Ecstasy and other bite sized treats.

If you are trying to meet people, I always like going to the park. I met my first girlfriend on a park bench. We talked for a while and then we parted. It was great. I learned from her that girls really like a guy who wears socks.

Well, that’s all for me folks. Time to return to my pants. You stay evolving UMass.

Brick Tamland can be reached in his pants.

Editor’s Note: April Fools.