I hate everything.
Well, most things. A lot of things.
Regardless, there’s less than a month until I graduate, and there remains a colossal pile of glaring issues at the University of Massachusetts, and for that matter, the world.
Seeing as how there’s a limited amount of time left, it’s only logical to attempt to address all of these problems at once. It’s prudent to try and solve all of the world’s problems it in one column, so it’s convenient to remember how all these problems got solved.
You know, for the children.
UMass football: Please go to the Football Bowl Subdivision. I’m tired of fake Division I football. Yeah, I said it. You all know that’s what it is. I’m the only one admitting it here. Let’s get this over with and move up.
Lockout of the 2011-12 NFL season: I understand, I really do. I understand that the money the players and retirees get from the owners may not be fair and that you’ve spent your entire lives preparing for this small window to make large amounts of money for your entire life while risking brain damage. Still, I don’t care. You’re millionaires. Play football. I don’t care.
(Potential) Lockout of the 2011-12 NBA season: Oh, come on.
President Barack Obama: Yeah, you’re kind of a wuss. Why’d you wait until you lost the House until you grew a pair?
Republicans: Please don’t let Donald Trump or some other crazy win the primary. Actually, what am I saying? Don’t let some crazy win the primary.
PVTA: I fully appreciate your service and understand why you are late. It’s when you’re early and leave me in the dust that our relationship begins to become strained. Don’t do this to us PVTA.
SGA: It’s understandable. You guys have an enormous amount of funding and a legitimate amount of influence. However, there’s an enormous difference between how serious people inside and outside of the SGA perceive it to be. That’s all. Just letting you know.
Autoplay on online videos: If I wanted to watch your video, I would. You know what videos I don’t want to watch. The stupid ads halfway down the page that starts at max volume so it has you scrambling all over the page to try and find it and shut it off. The Gawker blogs are definitely guilty of this. Speaking of which…
The Gawker blogs: Change your layout back. It looks stupid. It’s not like the changes that happened on Facebook. Speaking of which…
Facebook: You’re really just going to take everyone’s personal information ever, aren’t you? Yeah, everyone’s going to get to see my stupid pictures from spring break in Miami. Speaking of which…
Miami: If I get skin cancer, I’m blaming you. That burn on my leg was the worst thing that happened to me since I was sure I’d signed up for housing junior year and SPIRE told me I didn’t. Speaking of which…
SPIRE: I pressed that button. I should’ve lived in Wheeler junior year. But, no, I’m going to be mature about this.
You smell like butts.
Taylor Swift: Your slow, inevitable dominion over the American people will be complete in only a short amount of time. You start with country music, but soon your quirky acting appearances will translate to film. Please give the world more time before you take your place atop your throne of colorful notes to boys you have a crush on.
Obama conspiracy theories: Stop it. It’s called Google. That’s where his birth certificate is.
Google: Watch out for Taylor Swift.
Glee: You’ve had two episodes in two months. You’re either the best worst show ever or the worst best show ever. Make up your mind.
The economy: Yeah, the big one. For some reason, there’s only two schools of thought on this one: “the corporations and Wall Street are evil and greedy” and “Obama and the government are evil and greedy.” I’m going to go with “a lot of people are financially self-motivated and willing to screw over people.” Let’s try screwing over less people.
Wings: Sometimes you screw me out of my money. One time, we ordered a Concorde for six people. We had three or four wings a piece. That’s $42 dollars and don’t think you earned it.
Auxiliary Services: Why do you get to drive everywhere? I once saw you take a right turn on the crosswalk near Bezanson, heading towards the building. The driver was looking at me, wondering why the hell I was in his way.
Library elevators: You’re mocking me aren’t you? You lazy, lazy bastards.
UMass and Town of Amherst Parking Services: Why do you refuse to teach me your ninja ways? No one sees you, yet you cause suffering amongst the masses. Your powers are truly ancient and legendary.
People that park at the steps outside the campus center: You suck. I don’t care. There’s a sign saying “no vehicles past this point.” I don’t want to hear you complain about your ticket. Suck it up. Park at Worcester.
My fridge: You need more pizza. Also beer.
The 2011 Boston Red Sox: There is something definitely wrong with you. I went to the game Tuesday night. Speaking of which…
My exam Tuesday night: I’m sorry. I was busy. I’ll take the make-up. It’s not like it’ll affect my GPA.
Ah, crap.
My GPA: Uh oh. Hi Dad. I’m doing fine in classes this semester, why do you ask?
Nick O’Malley is a Collegian columnist. He can be reached at [email protected].
