Hey the Xtreme Football League just had its championship game and the Xtreme won…tell me that’s not fixed. Oh, and to add to the Pomp and Circumstance that is obscure sports leagues, Major League Soccer had another exciting weekend of second rate play on the pitch.
I know what all you MLS fanatics and XFL obsessives are thinking – how do I choose? XFL or MLS, aaahhh! Well, when a dilemma such as this arises, there is only one course of action. To follow in the footsteps of everybody’s favorite part time sports guy, Nick Bakay – lets go by the numbers.
The MLS championship game is an event, held annually at a neutral sight in front of a half-capacity, non-English speaking crowd, called the MLS Cup. The XFL offers the yearly Million Dollar Game in which the victorious team can divvy up the purse amongst its members. As much as it hurts to give props to Vince McMahon, bribery is a proven formula for excitement – just ask the White Sox.
Advantage: XFL
The MLS Cup trophy is just that: a big cup. The XFL trophy is just that: a big “X.” The “X,” believe it or not, is probably the most famous “X” in professional sports, while the MLS Cup will never be more than second best.
Advantage: XFL
MLS rosters are filled with has-been old timers who are out of their prime and brash youngsters who are eager to dominate a second rate league. XFL rosters, on the other hand, are filled with has-been old timers who are out of their prime and brash youngsters who are eager to dominate a second rate league.
Advantage: Neither
Major League Soccer showcases grown men who voluntarily take their shirts off after a goal. The XFL meanwhile hires cheerleaders who take their shirts off whether their team scores or not.
Advantage: C’mon, guys
On that same note, MLS totally condones synchronized celebration after a goal. The XFL also encourages coordinated touchdown dances after a score – but at least the MLS players are in shape.
Advantage: MLS
MLS has real soccer announcers. The XFL has “The Body.”
Advantage: MLS
MLS is run by a group of poor owners who don’t have enough money to buy good players. The XFL is run by a single wealthy tycoon who has more money than God, but still can’t buy good players.
Advantage: Pick em’
Well there you have it. Everything is so clear when you break things down rationally. But frankly, when these two fledgling leagues are involved, the American people are likely to let out a collective “who gives a [expletive]?” If you need a suggestion on your personal sports viewing choices when faced with the XFL-MLS dilemma, I have only two words for you: Classic Sports.
Matthew F. Sacco is a Collegian columnist.
