Ah, Friday the 13th. Somehow, someway, this strangely beloved slasher series became a beacon of modern horror, spawning an endless horde of sequels over the course of its 22-year lifespan. The ’80s were a boom time for the slasher film precisely because of the unparalleled success of a bunch of movies that detailed the exploits of hockey mask-wearing invulnerable psycho Jason Voorhees. Never mind that many of the F13 movies really sucked (a point proven by an all-day marathon of the movies, wherein it took about only 45 minutes or so to watch part 7 due to all the fast-forwarding) and that the rip-offs (such as The Burning) were even worse. We still got treated to nine of the “Jason movies” (as non-hip people are wont to call them) and this weekend us horror fans get to lay our eyes on the tenth (!) installment, Jason X, where Jason stalks through space (!!) and evil gets an upgrade.

But a strange thing happened while watching a marathon of Fridays on a Saturday. Yes, sometimes things got so painful that a usual non-drinker such as myself ended up drinking a couple of beers. Yes, we attendants to this “party” remarked upon our disgraceful social lives (we spent countless hours watching pathetic teenagers get hacked to death, fer godsakes). But I realized just why college students across the country still love the rascally adventures of a silent, lumbering serial killer named Jason. Because it provides valuable life lessons that every teenager should heed.

1.) Never pee in the woods. Pee in the woods and your head gets chopped off. Actually, it’s not just urinating that gets you in trouble, but smoking a joint, having sex, taking a shower, talking, eating, etc. The only people who seem to live are the ones who just run around calling out names. So, if you are alone in the woods at night and hear “ch-ch-ch-ah-ah-ah,” don’t do anything except run around shouting for your friends.

2.) The best time to skinny dip is at night. Apparently, skinny-dipping in the day is a no-no. I guess the best time to get nekkid for a swim is at night, in the cold, when you can’t see anything, and a mad killer is likely stalking you with a harpoon.

3.) Summer camps should open in the autumn or winter. Watch a Friday the 13th movie. Look closely at the trees. Half the time, they don’t have leaves on them. Hey, with the cold temperatures, it must make a great time for skinny-dipping.

4.) Crispin Glover is one funky-soulful white dude. Hey everybody! Watch George McFly get down with his bad self! In Part 4, The Final Chapter, that great actor Crispin Glover shows his funky dance moves, which involves him spasmodically wiggling around. I know one thing – it inspired me to go out and learn “the Crispin.”

5.) If a hulking serial killer whose mode is permanently stuck on murder is chasing you, don’t run. Stop and stand still, preferably while shooting a gun into his torso even though it obviously isn’t working. Pretty self-explanatory, isn’t it?

6.) Consumerism is bad. How else do you explain the inexplicable camera shot of a victim’s American Express card floating in the mud after Jason, of course, spears her head with a fence rod? Or maybe it’s Voorhees’ way of saying, “American Express. Don’t leave home without it.”

7.) Pterodactyls still exist. At one point during the course of one of the movies there was a strange squawking sound in the woods that someone (I think Arts Editor Mike Delano, but I was pretty inattentive by this point) surmised was a prehistoric flying reptile. I say we assemble a scientific team to go to Camp Crystal Lake to find out. Hopefully, they’ll make it out alive.

8.) If possible, do not be any of the following: black, male, brunette, sexually frustrated, sexually active, crazy, handicapped, loaded with personality or an adult. Only blond teenage girls (or, in one case, red-head teenage girls) without any discernible human characteristics survive.

9.) For the love of God, Friday the 13th movies aren’t meant to be seen in a marathon. Trust me, even if you are the biggest Jason fan ever, it is a mistake to give an entire day over to watching Jason Voorhees slaughter nincompoop teenagers. Just read my opening paragraphs. Unless you are well versed in the humor of the late, great “Mystery Science Theater 3000” your head will implode. And even then, your smart humor will probably devolve into boob jokes, in a sad cycle that will take days to clamor out of.

Okay, maybe if you do see a marathon of Friday movies, you’ll be able to glean more nuggets of philosophical wisdom on the lines of Aristotle (well, Pauly Shore at least). I kept it to nine in honor of the previous nine Jasons. Let’s see if ten gives us more great knowledge, or at least if it’s better than the one where Jason fought the psychic girl.