It’s a week later.
The roses are dead, half the chocolate in the heart-shaped box has been eaten and the rest of the champagne was finished during Tuesday’s day off from school.
Welcome back to reality, to your so-called “relationship.”
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not too cynical about love or relationships, and I’m pretty indifferent toward Valentine’s Day. It’s just I’ve seen a lot of people get overly caught up in the holiday and its so-called meaning.
Valentine’s Day has probably done more harm than good over the years. On Feb. 13, your relationship could be going down the drain. However, on the next morning when your boyfriend or girlfriend hands you a pair of rose-colored glasses, you continue in ignorant bliss until one of the lenses cracks. This could be weeks or months later. It’s a holiday that’s the perfect illusion that everything is OK.
If there were to be a Heartbreak Hotel on this campus, it would have to be my dorm room. Every roommate I’ve had in college for more than a semester has left their boyfriend. I’m pretty sure one of the breakups had nothing to do with me, but the other two were slightly influenced by my presence. (Don’t worry gentleman, I’m graduating; your girlfriend has no chance of living with me in the future.)
I’ve found that most women eventually become comfortable enough with their roommates that they can freely talk; some even become friends. My roommates have all openly talked to me about their relationships with their boyfriends, enough so that when they’re having problems or need an opinion, they’ll ask me for advice. But it hasn’t been my direct advice that has caused the most problems. It’s been questions such as, “Do you think he has the right to treat you that way?” or “Are you going to let him get away with that?” They’re the general who, what, where, how and why questions.
When you’re in a relationship, it’s easy to gloss over small issues that come up, especially if you don’t fight with your loved one on a continuous basis. Many women today also think that if he doesn’t physically beat you, everything is fine. They ignore how at the end of every fight, it’s said to be their fault and not his, and how he never apologizes for anything. He’ll say you shouldn’t eat so much or inform you on what clothes to wear, and then when he trash-talks your girl friends in front of you, no matter how wrong he is or how much it hurts you, you say nothing and turn a blind eye.
None of this stuff is overt in any way. It is subtle and can take its toll over time. And of course, tons of this happens in the reverse to men as well. I’m not ignoring that many women mistreat their boyfriends. However, men are more likely to notice these things early on and are more likely to walk out of relationships than women are. Women are more likely to stick around, write things off as part of “his personality,” put on the rose-colored glasses and hope for sunnier weather. It’s a psychological game, and if stuff like this is happening to you and you’re sticking around, I’m sorry honey, but you’re losing.
Call me crazy, but the last time I checked, healthy relationships involved respect.
Furthermore, even if you aren’t in an involved, dating relationship, people can still destroy you in other areas of your life – sometimes without you realizing it. It can be situations you face in the classroom, in the workplace and any other area of your life. It’s the way your co-workers might talk down to you, saying you’re always doing something wrong or not enough. Ever wonder subconsciously why you don’t think you’re as good or as talented as people around you? Maybe, it’s not actually true.
The bottom line is that no holiday and no other person should determine your worth. I know. It’s cheesy and sounds like it’s straight out of a junior high school health book, but it’s the absolute truth. It happens all the time on this campus. You shouldn’t stay in a relationship if you’re not being respected or if you find yourself dependent on only the other person’s praise to get through life. You shouldn’t feel less than other people academically or skill-wise if you’re just as competitive. It takes guts to admit you’re a sorry waste of life and that these things are happening, but like they say in those 12-step programs, admitting your problem is the first step to recovery. So get some guts and stand up for yourself. You deserve better.
Jamie Loo is a Collegian Columnist.
