I am sick of these liberal hippies that populate our bright, cement-covered campus. They gather in rallies and sing chants of “No Blood for Syrup.” They say our much-needed preventive war on our Canadian neighbors to the north is unjustified. I say they are wrong. In fact, I will go so far as to say they are idiots. And they are stupid.
Everyone should just shut up and kneel at the altar of our glorious leader, George W. Bush. This man only has our best interests, and the best interests of Canada at heart. Who would want to live in a frigid, barren landscape under the thumb of an insidious government that subjects its citizens to cruel reruns of “Kids In the Hall?” Who watches “Kids In the Hall” anyway? I’ll tell you who. The kinds of people likely to commit mass murder. In my book, any American who watches “Kids in the Hall” is a traitor to this great, proud land of ours.
These liberal hippies buy into damn liberal rhetoric about the reasons why we are going into war. They call Bush, God bless his soul, a moron and question his every idea, when they know deep down he is a genius. They ask why we don’t invade other countries – first saying they are worse than Canada can ever be. For example, they cite Iraq as a prime country to invade with the reasoning that Saddam Hussein has chemical weapons and stuff like that. Well, Iraq doesn’t have Celine Dion, and it isn’t a hop, skip and a jump away from Buffalo. Come on, why fight countries like Iraq, Iran, Fiji and other axis of evil countries when Canada is so much closer to our borders?
What are these liberal hippies going to say when the Royal Mounties invade our borders and start killing their families? Are they going to lie back, protest and say “aboot” and “ehh?” Are they still going to lie down in the middle of the road, smeared in maple syrup? God, if I see one more person eating a maple candy…
America is the best country in the world; no country is better than this one. Yet here’s Canada, trying to be like us. They’re even co-opting our musical styles, allowing Shania Twain to sing the America-created song style of country western. How dare a Canadian sing country! It’s obscene!
Yet, here are the students on this campus holding rallies to protest this war, when they should be supporting the troops who are risking their lives to maintain America’s stranglehold on the world. They won’t even begin to listen to the very good reasons why we are bombing innocent civilians in Ontario. When Bush says that a country is evil and holding a stockpile of dangerous biological weapons, then he must be right. So what if Colin Powell forged or stole his proof – drastic situations call for drastic measures. Bush and his cabinet aid convince those liberal hippies in the U.N. to support an invasion of Canada. But no, France won’t help us, because they think we should use diplomacy. Since when has diplomacy ever solved anything anyway? Everyone knows that macho, mindless, violent aggression is the solution to all life’s problems (well, that and alcohol.) Besides, the French would just surrender anyway.
The Canadians are already everywhere in America. There could be another William Shatner sitting next to you as we speak. Doesn’t having a person of a different culture and belief system next to you make you uneasy? It does me. Why can’t they abide by our culture? Our culture’s the best, and they should know it. And I don’t want to risk being infected with Canadian smallpox to live my life.
Canada has sat above us all this time, and no one has done anything about it. God, imagine what America could do with the country after we boot that tyrant Jean Chretien from office. These liberal hippies should shut up and watch the unbiased conservative coverage on Fox News Channel for the real scoop. Then after being immersed in stories about the evils of Canada and the heroism of the soldiers, they’ll realize the necessity of the shock and awe campaign on Ottawa. Who are you going to believe, a liberal hippie who says they know world politics or the leaders of our beautiful land.
Johnny Donaldson loves maple syrup.
