UMass Housing Services announced yesterday its plans for the addition of a Sex Dormitory for the 2003-2004 school year. The move comes in direct response to a recent study by Health Services, which proved sexual intercourse on campus is at an all-time low.

“Crabs. The clap. Herpes. Syphilis. They’re scared,” says Nurse Klatoruz, a 40-year Health Services veteran, who claims to have diagnosed 783 cases of gonorrhea in her time here. “Sex has changed since I stopped riding cock.”

Despite the drastic increase of warts, puss, and intense genital scratching on campus, UMass students will surely fuck more next year. At press time, Housing Services reported that 10,000 students had already requested rooms in the sex dorm.

“The response has been overwhelming,” says Frederick Johnson, director of student placement at Housing Services. “We knew it’d be a popular proposal, but we didn’t think it’d be this great. It’s too bad we only have room for 3,000.”

But according to Johnson, picking those lucky students won’t be as difficult as it seems. The sex Dorm, dohnson promises, will open, “with a bang. Pun intended.”

“No virgins will be allowed in the sex dorm,” says Johnson, who lost his virginity to a pregnant Hungarian prostitute at the age of 13. “You wouldn’t believe how many students haven’t caught a bone on this campus. It disgusts me, actually. I bet only half of our applicants have had sex before.”

It’s an interesting, but valid conclusion. According to the latest Health Services study, the person sitting (or standing) next to you right now hasn’t had sex. That person will not be allowed into the sex dorm.

UMass student and sex expert, Dan McPhee – the mastermind who runs the nationally acclaimed Scandal of the Week (updated weekly in his profile (Ohdocta12 on AOL Instant Messenger), says the campus’ relative lack of vagina-poking is the blasted result of the abnormally cold winter and the fact that the Bush Administration shows no signs of sexual deviance, which has effected society as a whole. But that’s not all.

“This tragic reality also has a lot to do with the combination of Republican propaganda and students who don’t drink,” says McPhee, a non-virgin. “These students, who deny the pleasures of the flesh, have quite simply succumbed to the advertisements of special interest groups who will say that sex and alcohol have negative consequences. It’s a shame, a true shame.”

Still, McPhee backs Housing Services’ decision to exclude virgins from the sex dorm.

“We have to view the sex dorm in the same light as we do with any other specialized dorm area,” says McPhee, who has probably fucked a woman you know. “Just as we wouldn’t want Fankie the Failure living in honors housing, we wouldn’t want Irene Ironpanties in an environment devoted to harboring sex.”

But McPhee wonders how Housing Service will be able to tell who has fucked, and who is a schmuck. He doesn’t even know how many virgins he’s conquered.

“I can’t even be sure of that,” he says. “I mean, look at the diversity of the word virgin in today’s world. You have people who just haven’t had sex, you have ‘born-again’ virgins, you have virgins ‘at heart’ and then you also have straight out liars. There’s also that faction of romantics, who will tell you, if/when you’re in a relationship, ‘it feels like you’re the only one I’ve ever been with.’ It’s a crock of shit of course, but it’s out there.”

To spot a real, impenetrate, tight-as-an-8-year-old virgin, McPhee says is difficult. But he always gives it his best effort.

“It takes a great deal of probing, a sense of trust, or in some cases just a half-bottle of Bacardi and some psychological tact, but it can be done,” he says. “There’s also a physical test, I suppose.”

McPhee says that if you get a girl back to your room and she’s looking at you with the intensity of a 4th-and-long-to-stay-alive-in-the-AFC-playoffs, you’re probably not dealing with a virgin. The converse of this, he says, is if she’s in your room, you offer her a drink, and she pulls a “squirrel move.”

“You know,” McPhee explains. “If she’s not sure if she’s going to take what’s in your hand or run back with the other squirrels (her friends), she’s probably as fresh and ripe as mom’s apple pie.”

In any case, Housing Services says virgins caught in the halls of the sex dorm will be deflowered.