There is much speculation about what the war in Iraq is all about. Some say it’s for the liberation of the Iraqi people, others for oil and some claim it’s George W. Bush trying to get revenge on Sadaam Hussein for trying to kill his daddy.

But we at The Collegian know what it’s really about. So let’s talk about sex.

One of the greatest philosophers of our time George Carlin, was the first to openly recognize this tension in 1991. Carlin, in his infinite wisdom thought it was interesting that the war was being led by two men who’s names were Bush and Dick. Twelve years later, not much has changed, adding to the duo, Colin.

Bush, Dick, and Colin.

The reason this war started was because the U.S. was jealous that Iraq could he hiding bigger weapons. Weapons that could cause mass destruction. Weapons that could send load upon load of debris shooting extended distances. This was a bit too much for Bush to handle, as it would be the biggest tragedy in history if anyone else had larger weapons than he did with more extended capabilities than he did. Perhaps it was a bit too much for the Iraqi people as well.

Saddam was rather protective of his big weapon, and didn’t want anyone to see it. When weapons inspectors got close, Saddam squealed like a little schoolgirl for them to move away. Saddam’s weapons were not going to be devirginized by some wacky United Nations weapons inspectors who were only after his junk because they were jealous. Saddam’s weapons package was being saved for someone special. Though he was tempted and who wouldn’t be, when courted by the biggest porn star in Europe, Hans Blix. Nevertheless, Sadaam protected his precious weapon. Bush decided he must be playing hard to get, and that he should give Sadaam what he really wants. The U.S. decides that it’s going to liberate the Iraqis and give them some democratic protection. If this isn’t all about some kind of bizarre sexual innuendo, we don’t know what is.

Not to mention all the phallic symbols that, have been parading across the television screens of America. Tanks with big guns, big missiles, small missiles, the towers of mosques, lots of large burly men running around in uniforms grunting at each other. And what better color to get everyone “in the mood” than night vision green.

It makes us at The Collegian want to pop in a Barry White CD. And of course there’s been a media blitz to cover this soap opera, it’s like masturbation for the American public. The media knows that sex sells, and baby, is the public eating out their coverage. And it’s not going to be over until Bush tells those troops to pull out.

So don’t let the media, your professors, Bush, Dick, or Colin tell you that the war is about other things like, international security, oil or any of that other mumbo-jumbo. It’s all about the size of your Dick Cheney and box penetration.

Unsigned editorials represent the unfulfilled desires of The Collegian Editorial Board.