Congress passed a bill yesterday calling for an alteration to the Statue of Liberty and its dismantled pieces returned to France.
Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert said the head of Lady Liberty will be replaced with a replica of the head of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and then will be transported via barge back to France.
“Lady Liberty no longer represents the relationship between the United States and France, and we hate France anyway,” Hastert said. “They are a bunch of pastry eating, tight jean wearing, obnoxious and snotty accent-speaking, B.O. ridden hypocrites. They are the yellowbelly of Europe, and quite frankly, Rumsfeld is the man. He deserves a statue made of him.”
A new group formed by right wing activist Pat Buchanan pushed for this motion. Buchanan’s group, the French Defamation League, called not only for the removal of the Statue of Liberty from U.S. soil, but for an invasion of France following the War in Iraq.
“French people have a bunch of screwed up values,” Buchanan said. “And we’ve decided that the French can’t be considered white anymore because of their inability act like respectable human beings.”
This sentiment was echoed amongst legislative leaders. In a press conference held last night, President George W. Bush said it would make a bold statement to the rest of the world regarding what might happen to them if they speak out against the United States.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, Spain is knifing us in the back by refusing their support in the conquering, uhhh, I mean the liberation of Iraq,” Bush said. “And may God continue to bless America.”
Press Secretary Ari Fleischer then quietly corrected the president.
“France, that’s right. Those dirty bastards are still giving us trouble? Do they remember World War II? Do they realize that Paris would be a kitty litter box run by Nazis if we hadn’t stepped in and saved their fondue worshipping asses? What about every time the Franc was deemed more worthless than a hooker in Utah? Fuck France. They’re next,” Bush said in a rare display of emotion.
Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld has already begun outlining a plan for the destruction of France following the war in the Middle East.
“I think beating France will be so much easier than Iraq. Saddam Hussein could kick the shit out of Jaques Chirac,” Rumsfeld said. “French people are too lazy and arrogant to defend their own country. They’re too busy chewing on caviar, smoking cigarettes and not shaving or taking showers. We wouldn’t see any resistance at all. The only thing that might work in their defense is the horrible collective body odor of the French. Troops would go in with full gas protection gear.”
Tony Blair said he fully supports these initiatives in the dehumanization of France and looks forward to a possible invasion of the rank and worthless country after the conclusion of Operation Iraqi Freedom. After crawling out from under President Bush’s desk in the Oval Office, Blair spoke about relations with France.
“Those bastards will finally learn that the Chunnel is for the English people, not the French, and they will stop traveling the train and spoiling our land. Bastards,” he said while sipping Earl Grey Tea and eating a meat pie.
“We could do so many things with the waste of space that is France now – like turn it into a giant parking lot, or just simply expand Euro Disney,” Blair added.
Mayor of New York, Michael Bloomberg, came out in support of returning Lady Liberty to France, as he believes that replacing the statue with something more worthwhile will only increase economic activity in the city.
“There’s so many better ways to use that area,” Bloomberg said. “First of all, you have to climb a bunch of stupid stairs to get up to the top of the statue, and really, who wants to do that? And for Christ’s sake, it’s so damn ugly. Only the French would come up with something like that. They have no taste.”
Converting Liberty Island into a strip club/gambling casino has been suggested, as well as a giant telescope, which can spy on anyone in America at any given time.
