I think it’s pretty clear why our current administration wants to invade Canada. They come up with plenty of superficial reasons to try to justify a war with our northern neighbors, but they steer clear of the true reason. Bush wants to go into Canada for the Maple Syrup, and I think it’s time we speak up.
Canada, the second biggest country in the world, has an astonishing maple syrup reserve. While the U.S. has some in Vermont and possibly a bit in Maine, Canada has hundreds and hundreds of miles of maple trees just full with maple syrup. In fact, a recent U.N. study determined that Canada holds the world’s largest maple syrup reserves. The sad fact is that we Americans have become desperately reliant on this maple syrup. Most of us panic, coughing and choking when there is no syrup to be put on our pancakes, “liberty toast,” hash browns, and other such American delicacies. For years, we’ve been consuming this delicious syrup with no regard for the supply, and with our current rate of wood consumption, it won’t be long before we run out of syrup. As it is we are overly reliant on foreign sources of sweeteners.
Even worse, with such technological marvels as fluoride and advanced oral-B toothbrushes, our teeth last longer and thus we can consume even more syrup. With America being the largest maple syrup consuming nation in the world, and our administration aiming to appease large syrup and sweetener corporations, I think that it’s pretty clear that this war is about the syrup.
Violence and war just for syrup is wrong, and can’t be justified. Pay no heed to Bush’s excuses for war; we know that he has one thing on his mind: syrup. The solution to this problem is finding alternative sweeteners, not new sources of syrup. No, I am by no reason advocating tapping the maple trees in the Alaskan nature reserve, as this would clearly disturb the delicate ecosystem, but rather alternative substances such as honey.
Furthermore, an intrusion into the sovereign nation of Canada would not only bring a temporary raise in syrup prices, but could even result in syrup shortages for years afterward. American spy planes have recently brought back satellite images of Canadians taking their axes out of their sheds, preparing to chop down their maple trees if the United States goes in. It would take decades for these trees to grow back. Yes, I know they aren’t supposed to have axes, which the U.N. inspectors apparently missed, but the United States has the largest supply of axes in the world, and Canadians should have a right to have some as well.
Honey is an environmentally friendly and plentiful sweetener that we could use instead of syrup, but unfortunately the current administration has close ties to the syrup industry. Even though bees sting, they help pollinate plants, thus helping them reproduce. Harvesting honey doesn’t involve drilling into trees – something that can’t be too good for them. I suggest we help our own struggling honey industry grow and prosper, not to mention that its time we start exporting honey from other allies of the United States that desperately rely on the sugary substance to keep their economy up and running. Through honey, the U.S. could strengthen its ties to such strategic nations as Luxembourg and Tajikistan, both in areas of the world that the United States isn’t too strong in. Additionally, honey is thicker than syrup, reducing drippage. Hundreds of gallons of syrup are needlessly wasted each year due to dripping off plates and bowls and is just not economically viable.
Bush has been painting Jean Chr
