“When the teacher pops a test, I know I’m in a mess, and my dog ate all my homework last night.”
If this doesn’t sound even remotely familiar to you, then stop reading. No really, I don’t want you as my reader. And that’s due to the simple fact that these words remain at the core of the most timeless and important debate of our generation. Bush’s meddling in Iraq? No. Romney’s budget cuts? Not even close. What was the best TV show when we were kids? Absolutely.
Even if you grew up without cable TV, we’ve all at some point or another gotten heated with our friends at two in the morning over whether the Gummi Bears could kick the Care Bears’ pastel asses. Or sometimes it was a battle over who would win in an eating contest: Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts or the entire cast of The Mickey Mouse Club. My personal favorite was the “who’s hotter” argument: Vinnie from Doogie Houser, M.D., or Boner from Growing Pains. Speaking of which, I wonder what Boner is doing nowadays. I mean, I liked Boner. Boner was great. How could anyone not like Boner?
Anyway, to defend this argument, you’ve got to look at shows as a whole, which means the following are vital; great characters (some of which must fall off the face of the earth shortly after the show peaces out), predictable storylines, potential drug problems, at least one hot chick who’s out of everyone’s league, and an early ’90’s studio audience that yells “Wooooooooo!” every time two people make out with no tongue. So if you haven’t figured it out by now, that show is and will always be “Saved by the Bell.” I also love the Red Sox so I threw them in too. Enjoy.
In “Saved by the Bell” terms, the Red Sox are the Samuel “Screech” Powers of the baseball world, and the Yankees, collectively, are Zack Morris. Just think about it for a second. Like the Yankees, Zack is always top dog. He’s the one who goes steady with the hottest girl in school, Kelly Kapowski. He’s the one who could’ve cheated his way into winning a trip to Hawaii if he wasn’t such an idiot (it’s Bonsai, not Bolshoi you ass). He’s the one who gets a kiss from Stevie, and the one with the wicked cool cell phone. He’s the one who can freeze time by saying, “time out,” yet never uses it to get into the girls’ locker room. And he’s the one who gets a 1600 on his SATs.
But when do we actually root for Zack? Never. Who’s the brains behind the operation? Who rigged the tape recorder in Kelly’s bedroom to help Zack bag that hunny? Who sat in the Max, under a table, in a hardhat, to patch Zack through to Ken Kelly for the opportunity to win that Hawaii trip? Who gets taken advantage of time and time again by the big, bad preppy for moneymaking schemes (Screech’s Secret Sauce and Screech’s Lucky Beret, just to name a few)? Who not only gets suckered into singing the lead for the dorky glee club concert, but also gets stuck hooking up with pre-boob job Tori Spelling in the same episode? You guessed it, Screech Powers.
Like the Sox, no matter what Screech does, he just can’t win…or land Lisa Turtle. Let’s be honest, I could bag Lisa Turtle. The last time she had an acting job was in Dru Hill’s “Remember the Times” video, before they broke up, got back together, and sold seven more records. So why not Screech? Well, he’s likeable, but he’s got three major things going against him from the start besides his hair – 1) He’s unlucky 2) He’s an idiot, and 3) By the time he’s got his books, and gives himself a look, he’s at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by.
It’s not like nothing good ever happens to him, but being the class valedictorian, beating Peter Breznep in the chess final, or winning the Ms. Bayside pageant just doesn’t compare to one day getting a booty call from Lark Voorhies. Meanwhile, Zack combs his hair differently one episode and falls backwards into a random make out session with her. And that’s why we, as Screech fans, hate Zack (Yankees Suck!) and root for Samuel Powers (Nomah’s Bettah). It’s a little thing called loyalty; it’s a little thing called hope, a hope that some special day in our lifetimes, Dustin Diamond will come out of rehab for a SBTB reunion special and finally nail that fine piece we call Lark (World Series 2003). I wouldn’t give up that hope for anything in the world.
And you know what? Maybe that day will come, and maybe it won’t, but that’s not even the point. Because even if it doesn’t, we know that we can take solace in the fact that every once in a while, Zack will end up with an ugly chick on a motorcycle named Tori, at which point we will laugh, and then we will riot.
Matt Brochu is a Collegian columnist.
