Another summer has come and gone. We are either returning to the halls of UMass, or we are wandering them for the first time, but the fact of the matter is this: our blissful, ignorant freedom is gone, the chilly air is swooping in and it’s time to get our learn on. But before I bid adieu to the dog days of 2003, I’d like to take to review some of the more noteworthy events of the last few months.

First, the infamous Northeast Blackout: In August, a rolling blackout struck most of the Northeastern corridor of the United States. Everywhere you looked, lights went out as the power shut down. The media, naturally, jumped on the event, promoting spiffy new cartoon graphics and headlines designed to further spook wary citizens. All I have to say is come on, people, it was a friggin’ blackout, not the end of the world. Yeah, it was newsworthy, but not front page worthy. It’s not like no one has ever been in a similar situation. New York’s lights went out, but that wasn’t reason to freak out and wander the streets like the apocalypse was coming.

Then, of course, there is California’s Gubernatorial Recall. Arnold Schwarzenegger is running. So is Gary Coleman, Hustler perv-in-charge Larry Flint, watermelon-smashing comedian Gallagher, porn star Mary Carey and about 3000 other freaks, geeks and weirdos who think they have a shot at actually running a state (well, it is California after all).

The fact that none of them qualify is just a sad metaphor for the current state of American politics; I mean, we don’t really have a qualified president do we? But seriously folks, how can we consider a political race legitimate when A) one candidate is a Terminator preaching on how to keep children from the sway of violence and B) another wore a red, white and blue bikini on her website? All I have to say is God Bless the U.S. of A.

Next up, the democrats for President. Hey, anything that gets Bush out of office is fine by me, but do we really need nine different candidates? Especially since most people can only name, oh say, three? Since Al Sharpton doesn’t count and Joe Leiberman is pretty much a Jewish Democrat version of Dubya, that brings the number of real candidates to seven. Really, I think Howard Dean should get the vote, because he’s an actual politician who really cares about politics.

And then there was “Gigli”. Why were critics so harsh on the first movie to star that ungainly creature known as Bennifer? It wasn’t as intolerable as it was made out to be. Owen Gleiberman, movie critic for Entertainment Weekly, called it “a watch-able bad movie” and I agree. But the vultures in the American news media made it out to be the Second Coming of the Antichrist. Well, it wasn’t and the hoopla was just pathetic. It was nothing more than jealous haters attacking a happy, even if over publicized, couple for making a flawed, imperfect movie. Neither Ben Affleck nor Jennifer Lopez deserved the kind of venomous scorn that has been heaped upon them in recent months. Shame.

I’d also like to address world violence. Bush has declared the end of hostilities in Iraq, yet people continue to die on daily basis; bombings are happening all around the Middle East (i.e. the horrific destruction of the U.N. building). North Korea has threatened the U.S. and Bush still remains in Iraq, all while civil unrest tears apart Liberia. Nothing funny, just a cautionary note that the world is going to hell in a hand basket and we have to step it up and start being nicer, to each other as a start.

Lastly, Michael Savage, the TV news personality who makes Bill O’Reilly sound intelligent, got canned from MSNBC for telling a gay caller to die of AIDS. I could make a joke here, but that would be redundant.

There’s probably a lot more that needs to be said, about any and all of these subjects, or even about subjects not mentioned. But right now, I’m exhausted, and I don’t have the room. However, now that we get free newspapers across campus, perhaps our hard-partying populace can catch up on the current events. Right now, I’m going to just give myself a break. I’m still not convinced summer is over yet.

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