By Johnny Donaldson
Collegian Staff
Johnny’s ‘Real World’ Diary
On the afternoon of Tuesday, September 23, 2003, casting directors for the MTV series “The Real World” and “Road Rules” came through UMass looking for the more of the young, buff and good-looking to appear on their twin “reality” shows. Being an aspiring actor – and being deluded enough to think I was actually someone who could get on the show – I decided to head down to the Campus Center basement in an attempt to land myself a role as a semi-celebrity on MTV.
So after I got out of class, I made a beeline for Room 101 and ran into a long, long line of people who also believed they had what it took to join the ranks of Puck, Ruthie, Pedro and the dozens of others who made their way on the channel. Since we all pretty much did nothing but stand in line and fill out a form, there wasn’t much in the way of action to report. So to kill time I decided to keep a running diary of my random thoughts while I waited for an eternity to make my way into the audition room to strut my reality TV stuff. Here is a chronicle of my journey:
12:45 I arrive at the Campus Center and promptly get in line. It’s a big line: a mighty big line. I’m stuck near the bottom of the escalators. This is going to take a while. Why didn’t I just skip class? I’m sure my acting teacher wouldn’t have minded…
12:55 We have to fill out a form. It asks us the basic things: our best and worst traits, our most embarrassing moments, yada yada yada. I don’t want to seem to conceited, so under best traits I just write down that I’m exceptionally handsome, funny, intelligent, charming, charismatic, sexy, fun and, of course, modest.
1:04 Line jumps forward ten feet or so. Maybe it won’t take so long after all.
1:13 Begin conversation with Peter, an exchange student from Adelaide, Australia. He’s chosen this just for the fact he can say he auditioned for MTV. He’s a nice guy; we’re having a nice conversation about not getting on either show.
1:22 Waiting does not make for an interesting story. I have come to realize this.
1:22:30 There are two cute girls standing behind me. I’ll use the newspaper as a hook to initiate conversation.
1:24 Liz is a junior English and communication major who’s doing this for fun. She’d rather be on “Real World” as she lacks a competitive spirit. Her roommate Sarah, a junior Communication major, is also doing this for fun and would rather be on “Road Rules.”
1:27 Seriously doubting I’ll make it to work at Big Y in time.
1:27:30 Starting to feel like a media whore … mainly because I am a media whore.
1:32 I am looking at the most recent photo of me, which I had stapled to my form. I’ve come to the realization I am not a photogenic man.
1:33 I smell fruit…
1:41 Peter disappeared like a half hour ago, asking me to save his spot. He has yet to return. Contemplating sending a search and rescue team into the throng.
1:42 Now I smell green beans…
1:46 Half the men are better looking then me, and the women are even more so … I’ll never get on either show.
1:50 There’s a picture on the Campus Center wall of a woman who looks like John Ritter.
1:51 Definitely a media whore.
2:02 As Homer Simpson would say… “Me Hungie!”
2:04 la la la, la di da da…
2:10 Random jingles are now passing through my head. Yeah, I’m that bored.
2:15 `Kay, now I smell s’mores. Wondering if it’s a bad sign that I smell random foods.
2:32 Glory and hallelujah! It’s a cushion on a little wheelie cart! Someone made a mobile chair!
2:33 Best seat ever!
2:42 Okay, definitely not making work…
2:48 Front of the line! Twelve of us are segregated from the rest of the chattering mob. Sorry, Peter, I hardly knew ye.
3:20 They finally let us twelve in to audition. Apparently the casting directors had a lunch break … while we waited … with no food.
3:21 Some sort of group conversation…we introduce ourselves and discuss social issues (i.e. our thoughts on interracial romance.) A large number of the people here are afraid of spiders (including myself.) There are a couple guys from Wisconsin, and a Bostonian bartender who has met members of previous casts. I think I know one of the girls, though I’m not sure…She looks like a girl I went to a community college with.
3:22 I’m charming, funny and charismatic, which is odd because I’m not funny, charming or charismatic.
3:22:23 Mention that I’m a proud virgin … it’ll cover at least one all-important Real World archetype – the good kid destined to be corrupted. Too bad, because I really wanted to be the skanky bad girl.
3:37 We’re done. That was a bit…anticlimactic, three-hour wait for a 15-minute discussion? Well, I guess now its time to go home and wait for them to not call me. If they do … well, then that’ll set me up on the road to becoming a half-celebrity and failed actor.
