Thursday is Thanksgiving. Luckily for you, I can write about something timely. A few weeks ago, I wrote about the Red Sox loss to the Yankees. Unfortunately, I wrote it about 10 days after game seven. So, in the spirit of the season, it’s time for me to write about what I’m thankful for.

I am thankful for …

A successful long distance relationship. Despite the fact I get asked the question, “is it hard?” more than a guy who popped a Viagra and has an eager wife, everything has more or less worked out throughout the past two and a half years.

Don Zimmer charging Pedro. I hear People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is thinking of going after Pedro. How dare he treat a gerbil like that? Maybe he should go back to his wheel and do a few more miles before he decides to bawl his eyes out like a baby (or Dick Vermeil). Maybe the 104-year-old will think twice before charging someone half his age and one-third his weight. But at least Zim can store more seeds and grains in his cheeks during these long, harsh winters.

Whoever’s idea it was to make (and subsequently sell) the Paris Hilton sex tape. A job well done! Oscar-worthy! The Pamela Anderson tapes came out while the Internet was just getting going. However, Ms. Hilton can expect to see herself on Kazaa for years to, um, come. What are the odds that it was Ron Jeremy on the phone that stopped the act, in night vision, halfway through?

(On the subject, I hope this generation of kids appreciates what is offered to them. They can browse the Internet and see Pamela Anderson doing things that would seriously impair her ability to speak, then with a click of the mouse see Paris Hilton do the same. Damn kids are spoiled I tell you!)

For fast cars, fast parts and next day shipping. As boys grow up into men, they don’t lose toys. In fact, they get more toys. The difference is that now they’re more expensive. Before it was a Matchbox Car with a supercharger. Now it’s a Pontiac Formula with the real thing.

For weekly poker games. Despite the fact I’m a worse gambler than Pete Rose, it’s fun to lose $10 while thinking about nothing and complaining about everything.

For the fact that my backpack cannot be called a book bag because it has seen exponentially more keg cups, beer bottles and cans than it has books.

Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving!

Matt Elder is a Collegian columnist.