You may not know it, but the University of Massachusetts employs a number of full-time babysitters whose responsibility it is to watch the students. These babysitters, or Resident Assistants, are so much a part of University life, that their legitimacy is hardly ever questioned. But I urge everyone to think about what it is these people are really doing on our campus.

The name may be misleading: Resident Assistant. When it comes down to it, who do they really assist anyway? It is my assertion that these babysitters assist only the University staff when it comes time to put the image of the academic institution over the rights and comfort of the students.

Let’s look at a purely hypothetical picture. I should note that any similarities to actual people are purely coincidental.

Let’s say a hypothetical RA, who goes by the nickname Nashville, wants to do the absolute best job he can for the University. So, this, as his actions demonstrate, would mean assisting the University whenever it needs help, but putting the needs of his residents second.

So when one of his residents comes to him to ask him about a heating problem in his room, Nashville responds that there is nothing that can be done. He simply shrugs off the heating problem that is bringing the temperature of the resident’s room to over 90 degrees in the middle of September. Yet, an independent inquiry on behalf of the student results in a work order and a solution to the problem. So Nashville, who sat in his room and did nothing when the student was uncomfortable, was, as the outcome suggested, simply too lazy to pursue this task. It just wasn’t important to “assist” the student in his request.

But Nashville is all but drastically over-zealous when it comes time to act like he is doing his job. Falsely accusing his resident of under-age possession of alcohol, he files a witness report with the Resident Director using unsubstantiated and immaterial evidence as his only proof.

When the evidence is found to be inadequate, Nashville’s pride is hurt.

So he sits around, waiting – waiting to get the bothersome student in trouble for something.

But he waits, because his student is not the kind to cause trouble. Months pass. Vacation comes and goes, but nothing happens. Nashville, the babysitter, gets impatient. So one night, he summons a new RA, just learning what to do. I imagine the new RA is very nervous about doing well in her new job as University babysitter as well, so she complies with what he asks.

Nashville sits outside the student’s door, saying he smells smoke. The new RA doesn’t know what to do. It would be wrong to falsely accuse someone of a violation of University policy. But Nashville explains to her exactly what he wants. He coaches her on what to say, how to say it, how to act, all the while sitting outside the door of the student, who has only some friends inside and is about to go out for the evening.

Finally she gets up the courage to knock. I can only imagine her desire to impress the other RA, who has had the position for over a year. The student opens the door a crack, to reveal that there is no smoke in the room. But the accusations continue, and there is not even an opportunity to talk.

Nashville sits back and provides the push the female babysitter needs to follow through with the accusation. When the interaction is completed, I am sure Nashville thanks her for her efforts. After all, its not every day an RA will falsely accuse someone to impress a fellow babysitter.

So Nashville the babysitter gets his revenge. How proud he must be. He has proved his babysitting skills in the most artful of ways. And now it is the student’s word against his.

Morris Singer is a Collegian columnist.