I have to get something off my chest. I think it’s finally time to admit that I’m deeply racist. I’m just now coming to terms with the fact that I have an enduring hatred for an entire race burning in my soul.

So here goes … I hate white people. That may sound funny coming from me, a white guy. Actually, I’m one of the whitest people on earth – I can’t dance and I’m lacking in the “soul” department. I can’t jump either. When I say that I hate white people, I don’t mean to condone discrimination against an entire race. We already have that – it’s called affirmative action. It’s unconstitutional and morally indefensible. What I mean is that white people annoy me to no end.

Have you ever noticed that it’s always whites who think that they are characters from a fantasy world? I’m talking about white people who believe that they are Jedi knights, ninjas, vampires, vampire-slayers, cats, druids, et al. I have no patience for these (almost always white) people. I just want to slap them and tell them that they are not ninjas (or vampires), and never will be. They are only dumb college freshmen, nothing more.

The only people who annoy me more than the fantasy-world characters are the Goths. Is there anything stupider than some emasculated 19-year-old male wearing black lipstick, complaining that he’s “so depressed?” Oh geez, go be depressed by yourself.

I hate the way whites talk. There are two particular words that white people use that are like fingernails on the chalkboard. One of them is “random”, as in “Oh my gawd, I was walking across campus yesterday, and I just ran into this random guy, and he randomly asked me if I was in his psych class, and oh my gawd, I was thinking to myself – that’s so random!” The word “random” has a meaning that is entirely appropriate for some contexts, but it does not belong in every sentence. The other annoying word is “sooooooo”, as in “I am sooooooo not getting out of bed this morning.” Occasionally, the two words can be combined, if indeed something is “sooooooo random”.

Another thing that bothers me about white speech is that many whites seem to have learned how to talk from watching too many bad sitcoms like “Seinfeld.” For example, they might speak five sentences in a row containing the same word, just because they think the word is funny. It’s quite annoying when a white person says, “That’s the last bobka. They got the last bobka.” “I know. They’re going in first with the last bobka.” “That was our bobka.” “You can’t beat a bobka.” These are the same people who snicker about the fact that “‘Seinfeld’ is a show about nothing!” and try to make dramatic entrances just like Kramer. Or at least they used to do the trademark Kramer impression until Michael Richards’s (Kramer’s) racist outburst last year. But hey, Michael Richards hates black people, and I hate white people.

And what about these invariably white emo dorks? I’m talking about the skinny idiots who wear their skintight jeans with studded belts, perm their hair, wear Chuck Taylor sneakers with some kind of flair to them (maybe pink, or with flames on the side), smoke American Spirit cigarettes and ride around on 10-speed bicycles. Occasionally, you will see these particularly annoying white people riding a unicycle.

This annoying white person thinks that he has to develop a quirk so that he can stand out from the crowd. “Look at me, I’m wearing pink Chuck Taylors, I have a mop of permed hair on my head, and I ride a unicycle!” He thinks that his poorly contrived quirk somehow makes him look unique when in fact it only makes him look like every other geek with a perm. He mistakenly believes that his whole persona projects individuality, when in fact it just reeks of insecurity.

The insecure permed hair nerd is really just a subspecies of a larger group of annoying white people that I like to refer to as SWLs (silly white liberals). Visit Rao’s or Amherst Coffee and you will find SWLs in abundance. SWLs generally have levels of intelligence much lower than they would have you believe. They conspicuously read high-brow publications in public places just so that people will think that they are smart. SWLs usually look pissed off about something. Frequently, it’s “Corporate America,” or just America in general. On the off chance that an SWL owns a car, it will almost always be plastered with bumper stickers. The irony of this is that they pride themselves on the fact that their “ideas don’t fit on bumper stickers.” I sometimes wish for a return to segregation, just so all of you white folks could be cordoned off together. We should make you all sit on the back of the bus, because – in all honesty – you piss me off that much. Sometimes I am so embarrassed to be white.

Ben Duffy writes on Wednesdays. He can be reached at [email protected].