Just like Highlander, in the war of the residential areas, there can only be one. And that one, ladies and gentlemen, is Central.
The reasoning behind this almost obvious choice does not necessarily have to do with the resonating merits Central has over the other residential areas, but rather the fact that Central, in the end, simply sucks the least out of all.
So what exactly is Central going up against in these circumstances? Obviously, the other residential areas are none other than Southwest, Orchard Hill, Northeast, North and Sylvan.
Let’s start with Southwest. Albeit a reasonably popular – as well as populous – area, I simply fail to see the appeal for a few reasons. First off, in all the low rises, which are the majority of the dorm buildings in Southwest, one is forced to live in what is basically a furnished cave, colloquially known as a Z-room. I remember staying in one for only a few nights during freshman orientation and vowing I would accept hara-kiri before I ever spent another night in one of those puppies. The dreaded Z-room can be avoided by living in the towers, but then again, you’d have to live in the towers.
Aside from these residence specific discrepancies, living in Southwest obviously puts you in a huge space that is still packed with a ton of people. I can’t imagine enjoying an extra five to ten minutes tacked on to my morning commute to class because of the fact that I’m wedged somewhere beyond Berkshire dining (which, to its credit, is most likely the best on campus). Additionally, try getting some sleep before a morning you have an 8 or 9 a.m. class when a Massachusetts team wins a championship or, really, any similar televised event occurs. When it does, expect the courtyards to fill wall to wall with bodies and incessant noise and, if the air is just right, a cacophony of police sirens and drunks resisting arrest. I suppose this isn’t terrible if you’re looking for a good time, but it’s at the very least a nuisance when you’re trying to do anything else.
How about Orchard Hill? While the list of negatives is somewhat smaller than that of Southwest, it is also smaller and less exciting. The dorms aren’t terrible, but the room sizes and layouts leave a little to be desired, at least in my opinion. O-Hill also has a similar problem to the back corners of Southwest, in that it’s separated from the main part of the campus just enough that it forces you to set your alarm earlier to make up for the added distance it takes to make it to class. Not to mention: walking back to Orchard Hill from anywhere else on campus on a late Friday night feels like a Hobbit’s journey through Mordor.
Who doesn’t love same-sex dorms and constant scenery of ugly, unending and unnecessary construction? If you’re the kind of person that digs these types of things, then I suppose you’d probably enjoy Northeast. Sure, they’ve got Worcester, but that’s hardly worth it. Honestly, aside from the fact that it’s on the outer edge of campus (the slightly cooler but still pretty lame cousin of Sylvan) and that it sits right upon the noisy, unaesthetic and relatively heavily traveled North Pleasant Street, the worst part about Northeast is that it’s simply horribly boring. This can be confirmed by anyone who’s lived there for an extended period of time (myself included).
Do I really need to go over Sylvan? Discussing Sylvan is like discussing the Los Angeles Clippers when projecting analyses regarding the NBA postseason.
Once again, I posit that Central is superior to all of these residential areas simply because it just sucks less than all of them. As its name alludes, it is central in location in relation to the campus. You’re about as close as you can be to everything at once, including classroom buildings, administrative buildings, other dorms and so on. And, in my opinion, it just looks nicer.
Instead of the urban jungle vibe one tends to get from the other residential areas, Central is much more au natural, so to speak. There’s plenty of lush grass, a few tall trees here and there for shade, and the dorms with arguably the best rooms set neatly into a rolling hillside horizon. There’s a dining common right at the bottom of the hill, but even if one doesn’t like Franklin, even though it won the Dining Commons contest last year in the Collegian, it’s not that far of a stroll to Worcester, or even the superior dining of Southwest. Visiting friends from any other residential areas is a cinch since, once again, it’s called Central for a reason.
Let’s say you live in Central, and you visit Southwest for one Thursday evening with some friends who live in Southwest, O-Hill and Northeast. When you all retire for the night, you’ll have reached your dorm and gone to bed by the time your friends from O-Hill and Northeast are even halfway back to their respective Mt. Everest and sausage-fest dorms. You’ll actually be able to sleep in relative peace, unlike your friend in Southwest, who is either being kept awake all night by endless noise, the insufferable life of a Z-roomer, or both. And, of course, you don’t have any friends from Sylvan, because no one has seen anyone from Sylvan since 1984.
Dave Coffey is a Collegian columnist. He can be reached at [email protected].
