So, it’s finally come down to it: Central vs. Southwest. It’s a competition the likes of which we’ve rarely seen. Ali vs. Foreman. Kramer vs. Kramer. The Confederacy vs. the Union. Okay, that last one doesn’t really apply, because the former was vanquished, but one can easily get my point. The battle between aesthetically pleasing and conveniently located Central residential area and the party-hedonistic urban forest of Southwest is not unlike the epic clash of the Shire and Mordor as depicted by J.R.R. Tolkien.
Central is undeniably the underdog in the matchup, not simply because of the huge advantage in population size Southwest has, but also because of the popularity Southwest has earned itself, mostly through notoriety. But even though Southwest is arguably much more popular than Central, do the experiences sincerely warrant this ranking? I, for one, don’t think so. Let’s analyze the two separate every day experiences that each residential area offers.
Let’s start with Mordor, I mean, Southwest. Obviously, there are two different building choices in Southwest, consisting of low-rises and towers. Let’s say one’s dorm is in a low rise. I wake up and realize I live my life three and a half months at a time in a Z-room; in other words, a room the shape of an irregular Tetris piece. On behalf of everyone who doesn’t share an affinity for living in cave-like residencies, I’ll be polite and simply say, “No, thank you.”
Perhaps I live in a tower. Then I assume someone’s everyday experience goes something like the following. I rise in the morning to the composite awakening sounds of my alarm clock and my roommate regurgitating the contents of the prior evening’s liquid regret. Of course, waking up isn’t as easy as it could be, since the night’s sleep is usually hampered by the goings-on of nocturnal festivities. Once I set foot out of my room, I must of course take care not to trip over the various empty beer cans and unconscious neighbors that lay strewn across the hallway floor. I then step outside the building into a concrete jungle full of monolithic slabs of stone and dozens of windows filled with the unsatisfied faces of cursed Z-room dwellers. And now, it’s only a half-hour commute by foot to the nearest classroom building. Well, as glorious as all that sounds let’s consider the alternative offered by Central.
I wake up to the sounds of sparse morning traffic and chirping birds, as opposed to the strained echoes of broken glass and vomiting coming from the bathroom. My roommate is still sound asleep, as opposed to hanging halfway off his bunk in the throes of alcohol poisoning. I stroll down the stairs, thinking to myself, “Wow, how lucky am I that I don’t have to wait for an elevator in the morning or wither away my existence in a Z-room?” I step outside into a pleasant, natural atmosphere complete with green grass and classic-looking, traditional, red brick dorms. After a quick, peaceful stroll down the hill, I am right in the middle of campus and close to pretty much anything on campus that I need to be.
How average are these comparisons? Well, suffice to say they merely romanticize one main concept: Southwest is a big, stone party place that is essentially geographically separated from the campus, while Central is a chilled-out, conveniently-located hillside place. And how far-fetched is this assertion? Realistically, not very. So why is Southwest so popular? Once again, I would say its notoriety helps out its namesake via word of mouth. Obviously, most, if not all, of the stories surrounding UMass Amherst’s reputation as a party school resonate from the concrete courtyards of Southwest. But do these tales of notoriety, too numerous and, in some cases, outrageous, to list here, really make for a better residential experience?
I would posit that no, it doesn’t. And, to be fair, who could logically disagree? While perhaps Southwest does a good job of drawing attention and popularity towards the University of Massachusetts, those who know UMass well enough would probably also admit it is absolutely not the best place to live. Will everyone who lives in Southwest get trampled by a crowd after the Red Sox win a pennant? Probably not. But, will the average Southwest citizen lead an objectively better existence than a Central dweller? Again, the answer is probably not.
Dave Coffey is a Collegian columnist. He can be reached at [email protected].
