This year has had its fair share of music leaving us baffled as to why it was ever released. Some may wish “Whip My Hair” or “Hey, Soul Sister” never reached their ears. However, there is one track that really takes the cake as truly worse than them all. That song is “Grenade” by Bruno Mars.

Before you get upset because you secretly listen to this song while getting ready every morning, realize that it is not a personal qualm with this song that has caused it to win this title. It is true that this song seems as relatively forgettable as half the other songs made this year. Upon further examination, however; the song presents itself as a lyrical travesty, and that is why it has won (or lost).

The biggest question that this track brings up is: why in the world would you catch a grenade for someone? How does this display devotion and sacrifice?

Clearly this song is about the narrator who is heartbroken over his lover who does not reciprocate similar feelings of love and devotion. The chorus, which depicts the sorts of things that the narrator would do for his lover, at first listen may sound self-sacrificial, but really it makes no sense.

If for some strange reason this man’s lover was actually in the vicinity of people throwing grenades, the last logical thing one would do would be to catch it. How is that going to save the life of the other person? The grenade will still explode just as it would have without the interception. So if the narrator’s lover was presumably close enough to the grenade to be harmed by it in the first place, catching it would do nothing but kill the both of them. The kill radius of a hand grenade is fifteen feet, so unless the woman runs fifteen feet while the narrator is catching the grenade, she would die regardless. A better plan of attack in this instance would be for the narrator to aid his girlfriend by pushing her out of the kill radius.

Really, Mars should have written the lyrics, “I would jump on a grenade for you.” It would be the most successful way of preventing the death of his beloved. If he jumped on the grenade, he would significantly reduce the amount of shrapnel aimed at his girlfriend. However, these lyrics do not flow as well. Perhaps Mars assumed no one would notice the error.

Another blunder in Mars’ songwriting is the line from the chorus, “I’d jump in front of a train for you.” Does this man really believe that he could stop a train with his body? If his girlfriend for some reason happens to be playing on train tracks, throwing himself at the train will not stop it from hitting her. Again, it appears that both would be killed and his preventative measures display idiocy rather than dedication. It would make much more sense for the lyrics to be about him pushing her out of the way of the train. Then he would move her body out of the way rather than attempting to stop a few-hundred ton train by throwing himself at it.

Many know what it is like to be hopelessly in love with someone who cares nothing for you; however, Mars’ lyrics are rather extreme. Clearly this woman not only does not love him, but wishes him dead when she allows him to “burn down in flames.” He realizes how much of a “mad woman, bad woman” she is, and acknowledges that she was born from the gates of hell, yet for some reason he would still do all of these ridiculous things for her.

Mars has co-written songs for Grammy nominees such as B.O.B. and Cee Lo Green, but when it comes to “Grenade,” he apparently cannot write quality lyrics for himself to sing.

Unfortunately, Mars was not alone in his crime against good music. Honorable mentions include:

Take it Off – Ke$ha

Did you ever notice why you felt like you knew this song already the first time you heard it? That might be because she ripped the melody from that snake charmer music. She has simultaneously created a song that can get stuck in your head no matter how much you hate it and, of course, attempted to convince the world that trashiness is cool.

Rain is a Good Thing – Luke Bryan

If country music did not have a bad enough reputation, Luke Bryan had to ruin it further by taking a dip into mainstream with this obnoxious lesson on agriculture. Thanks for continuing the myth that Americans are all hick farmers that use the word “frisky” when referring to our girlfriends.

Acacia DiCiaccio can be reached at [email protected].