Congratulations. Whether you were perusing the Collegian website, browsing mindlessly for reading material, or even looking for someone else’s blog, you’ve stumbled upon a relatively rare form of internet prose. In this blog, I desperately hope to write about… and personally victimize as many celebrities as possible by highlighting their idiotic and selfish behavior in a manner that not only mocks America’s fame fetish, but makes you laugh, chuckle or even attempt to suppress a smile. Hey, if you’re still reading this I’m going to consider myself successful. I’m not picky.   

Many of my close friends have informed me that they find my fascination with gossip sites a bit strange. Actually, that’s never happened, but I figure it’s a pretty good lead-in to what I’m about to discuss, so let’s roll with it.  Here’s how I see things: you’re not really reading a gossip blog. You’re reading a highly acclaimed* critique of modern day culture. Our society’s fascination with celebrities has always baffled me, because I don’t even care what my best friend does on a day-to-day basis, let alone a person who starred in a movie I saw two weeks ago. Call me apathetic, but I don’t feel as though I need to know who Cameron Diaz is hand-feeding these days, or if Jennifer Aniston is still lecturing Perez Hilton on his bullying habits.   

On the other hand, celebrities are hilarious. They really aren’t normal people at all; in fact, they’re on the opposite end of the spectrum. They expect the public to openly worship them at just about all times (although, to be honest, I don’t ask for much less) and get so adorably flustered when they find out that their actions can have consequences. What I’m ultimately saying is that I don’t want to know about their personal lives- but I do. I don’t care about how they behave in public- but I do. I don’t want to hear how the empty syringes got into their handbags, or what they’ve stolen, or which ones are publicly slandering their spouses in nasty divorces  – BUT I REALLY REALLY DO. This isn’t going to be serious writing where I do research to present both sides of a story and blah blah blah this sentence was already too boring once I incorporated the word research. I’m thoroughly committed to presenting you with a one sided, biased opinion about truly meaningless events. You’re welcome.  

On that note, I’d give you a little taster of what you’re getting yourself into if I wasn’t sitting in a very crowded dining hall by myself, getting dirty looks left and right from huge herds of potential table-invaders. Speaking of which, how annoying is it when over the course of one meal, roughly seven thousand diners come up and ask if they can take an empty chair from your table? Usually I just say yes, but one day I’m really going to give someone a piece of my mind. Don’t worry- next time you’ll be practically bombarded with information; I’m practically bursting with gossip! (Of course that could also just be a direct effect of the yogurt I ingested in direct defiance of my lactose intolerance. Stupid, stupid, stupid.) Until next time!  

*Naaahhhhhh.  

Maddie Drake can be reached at [email protected].

Read more by Maddie at www.narrowpanoramic.tumblr.com.