Editor’s friendly reminder:  This article is written in the name of humor. Please try not to be a criminal.

To all the creepers and criminals looking for a way to make use of that old white van waiting in the garage for this Halloween weekend, here is a guide to some tantalizing sweets that can aid you in your master plan. Each candy has its own advantages. Be creative. A well-executed crime is its own reward.

M&Ms

The humble M&M is probably one of the most effective candies with which to kidnap children. Leave a trail of these colorful delights and the kids will follow, like a reverse “Hansel and Gretel” story. Who can resist the sweet chocolate morsels with that candy coating? You might even catch a teenager or two! Try it with Skittles for a fruity twist on the classic ploy.

Kit Kats

Kit Kats: Everybody wants a piece of that Kit Kat bar – especially kids. That crunchy snap when you break the bar in half is like a dog whistle for 5-year-olds. When their ear-driven curiosity brings them far enough into the back of your van, shut the door and drive. If you have no Kit Kats, Twix or Crunch can suffice. It is the sonic effect we are after, in this case.

Twizzlers

Rope in some kids with Twizzlers. The cherry ones work best. These candies are almost as twisted as your twisted criminal mind. Just link a bunch of them together, tie up some of the trick-or-treating stragglers and shove them in the back of the van with everyone else. Don’t forget to cover their mouths with some Fruit by the Foot. Parents are extra cautious this time of year, and you don’t want some little loudmouth ruining your fun.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are always a favorite amongst kids. That fluffy, creamy center is confectionery heaven. Just remember to check for allergies; you’re a creeper, not a murderer. Most seriously allergy-prone children wear those helpful little bracelets these days. Modern medicine is your friend. If they are wearing a medical bracelet, gently toss them back onto the sidewalk.

Gummi Worms

If you’re feeling particularly ambitious, hook some gummi worms onto a fishing line and dangle it near a pack of children. If the children appear to be middle school-age, make sure you are using the variety that are covered in sour sugar. Children love to challenge themselves, candy-wise, as they grow older. Also, keep in mind that Haribo’s gummi worms are considerably firmer than Trolli gummi worms, so if your prey is of the meaty persuasion, be sure to go with Haribo. Reel in those kids and toss them in the back with the rest. Hook. Line. Sinker.

Jawbreakers

Hand some giant-sized jawbreakers to the kid, wait for the sound of the tooth cracking, and snatch them up in their panic-stricken daze. Time to make a break for it. You’ll have to pay for their medical bill (you don’t want defective children, after all), but that’s the price you pay for being a conscientious criminal, isn’t it? An alternative to this method would be to use Sour Warheads (pucker up). The kids will be too preoccupied with that sour flavor overload in their mouths to notice that they are suddenly sitting in the back of a van.

Airheads

Airheads are another delicious chewy candy that kids go crazy for. Hand a few to the local fourth grade class during recess and once their mouths are full of the sticky goo, snatch a few up before they can start screaming. Beware of kickers though. Fourth graders kick hard.

Lollipops

If all else fails, use some good old-fashioned lollipops. Stick a Dum Dum in a kid’s hand, and they’ll be too dumbstruck to realize you’re already leading them to your white van full of children. Be careful to choose the right flavor of Dum Dum. If you hand a kid a nasty flavor like bubblegum, they will quickly figure out your plan, kick you in the shins and run away.

By now, your van is probably filled to the max with candy-filled children. Pack away any more of the little tykes and you will probably tip off the police. You don’t want your whole scheme to be ruined, do you? Drive away with your well-earned human treasures and start a shoe sweatshop or something. Happy Halloween, and happy hunting!

Elaine Fang can be reached at [email protected].