Love is in the air. It’s that special day of the year where Cupid helps you find your soulmate. Or for some, it’s just that day concocted by a cabal of card companies in order to make money.
Whichever way you choose to look at it, Valentine’s Day has become an over-hyped holiday. Whether you’re nursing a broken heart or simply can’t stand the sight of candy ones, having a good time on Valentine’s Day can be hard for the non-relationship folk. Here’s how to have a successful Anti-Valentine’s Day in five easy steps.
1. Go out
Staying indoors and trying to avoid all those pinks and reds may seem like a good idea. But hiding from Valentine’s Day won’t make it go away. It’s always best to tackle the problem head-on. Face the beast rather than let it consume you. And if you’re single, it’s even more imperative that you leave your room. There’s no shame in being single on Valentine’s Day, and staying in and avoiding all human contact is a guarantee that you will remain single. So go out and enjoy yourself in spite of all the hugs and kisses around you.
2. Celebrate a different holiday
Once out and about, it is important to maintain a strong mental defense against the onslaught of love, merriment and shouts of “Happy Valentine’s Day!” One option in accomplishing this is by being very rude to everyone you encounter.
The second, far more positive option, involves creativity. Find out what other events have transpired on this day in the past and celebrate those instead. For example, on the TV show “30 Rock,” Liz Lemon celebrates the birth of a famous suffragette named Anna Howard Shaw on Valentine’s Day. You too can employ this tactic.
3. Examine the holiday
If celebrating a different event doesn’t work, you can always examine the one everyone else is celebrating. One of the central figures associated with Valentine’s Day is Cupid. Cupid is a small child who lurks amongst us, shooting arrows at people he thinks should fall in love. While doing a child’s bidding may be just another Sunday in North Korea, this is a democracy. The Founding Fathers would not want our love lives to be ruled over by a tiny romantic tyrant.
4. Avoid romantic comedies
You may be tempted to watch fictional depictions of romance in order to fill the gaping hole in your own heart, but be warned: this is a big mistake. Watching a romantic comedy will either convince you that life works like a movie or that you will never be as awesome as Joseph Gordon-Levitt. If you have to watch a movie, make sure it isn’t any of the following: a 1980s John Cusack movie, any film where Colin Firth isn’t wearing a sweater or the work of Katherine Heigl. Come to think of it, you should always avoid the work of Katherine Heigl.
5. Watch “Alien”
With romantic comedies out of the question, what’s left to watch? There is the perfect anti-Valentine’s Day movie, and it is called “Alien.”
Ridley Scott’s sci-fi/horror masterpiece is your typical boy-meets-girl story but with some minor differences. The boy is an alien and the girl is a space trucker that the alien wants to kill. While the rest of the world is desperately searching for love or mending their shattered hearts, invite your fellow anti-Valentine’s Day revelers over for some M&Ms and “Alien.”
After following these five steps, Valentine’s Day should be a little easier to get through. And if you end up meeting your soul mate anyway, you’ll have a much better story to tell the grandkids.
Danny Marchant can be reached at [email protected].
